Today Was Hard

Today was a hard one. We are just getting off of yet another vacation HIGH. But today, it rained all day. Jane had 3 pee accidents. Jeff's mom left. And Lyla climbed onto the table 100 times, refused to eat her dinner again, and took a plunge out of her crib a few minutes after I put her to bed (thank goodness she seemed to be ok after some tears). Jeff is still gone, and I can't talk to him so my blog is serving as my outlet today. For some reason I miss him FIERCELY this time. More than usual. Probably the worst thing that happened today was that after my mother in law left to Kim's house in Belgium (my sister in law about to have a baby) I realized that I forgot to send her the amazon packages Kim sent to my house. Probably $100 worth of baby stuff that she now will not have for her baby thanks to ME. Moments of failure like that tend to pull me down to some pretty deep pits of despair and then I end up getting more worked up over little mistakes my kids make. In the eternal scheme of things, all these things are very, very trivial; but the gloominess outside made its way into my soul somehow. I tried to fight it, and there were moments where I did. But also, not. I give Jane hot sauce on her tongue when she yells (after a few warnings) or says mean things. Well I gave her some today, but I also gave myself some after I yelled at her for full on peeing her pants for the third time today after I had just asked her to go potty and she refused... I rarely yell, I'll give myself that, but today it happened and I instantly felt terrible. And all I could do was show Jane that it wasn't ok for me to yell either.

I went rock climbing today for the first time, and I'm totally hooked. I want it to be something we can do as a family one day because it's such a fun challenge and there are literally 1000 life metaphors I could come up with that are rock climbing related.

I sat down at this computer just now because there was something specific I needed to do and I seriously forgot what it was. And then in the morning I'll wake up and be annoyed at myself for not getting that done while the girls were sleeping.

I want another baby so bad. I want to be pregnant but also there were moments today when I felt like 2 kids was enough. Jeff always wonders why I always want to have more kids, even though I'm well aware of the challenges that come with a child. The answer is: it's what I'm meant to do. It's what I feel like is my greatest purpose in this life. Shaping human beings, teaching them how to make a positive mark on the world. I push through the hard times and even hope for more because in the end, it's just completely worth it.

Finishing off the night listening to these absolutely amazing talks given at a recent BYU devotional. Filling my cup back up.

"I'm a girl Nephite, momma! Because Nephites can be girls!"