Friday, November 18, 2011

uncensored confessions.

i want everyone to know who i really am.
because only a few people know who i really am.
my mom, my brother, my friend rachelle...possibly a few others.

it kind of bugs me that the list is so small.
because it is my fault.
a lot of people know, mostly, who i am. just not all the way.
i am just always afraid that people would be overwhelmed with the real me.
but i am beginning to embrace it.

i want my future children to know who their mother really is.
or who she felt like she was at 19
so, if this ramble hasn't already nauseated you- here are some of my confessions
this is me. {and part of me is long winded-ness. so please bear with me as this will be long.}

+ when i am at byu and i see a little kid, my heart smiles so big that i feel like it might just burst. it makes me think of my cousins, and the little kids i babysit and how i love them so much that it hurts. and then i think about how, if i love those kids so much- how much will i love my own kids? its scary to think about.

+ sometimes when i am walking next to random people on campus, i listen to their conversation. usually i get really into it and end up nonchalantly following them, {close enough to hear, but far enough to not creep them out} just to listen to their conversation. even if if is completely out of my way. it is because i love love love hearing about people's lives.

+ when i bear my testimony, i don't cry. i smile. it's really the only thing my face knows how to do when i am talking about the gospel. it just makes me so happy.

+ not many things make me happier than knowing that someone i care about trusts me enough to confide in me.

+ i mean things when i say them. when i ask "how are you?" i am not just awkwardly addressing your existence. i am asking you how you are, and i genuinely would LOVE to know. please tell me. please?

+ almost every conversation at byu has to do with relationships. marriage. engagements. couples. lets find some new things to talk about. because that topic sometimes makes me ache. and i have a lot of other things to talk about.

+ my heart breaks a lot. when this happens, i go to my room, shut the door, write in my journal, listen to this song and this song, say a prayer, read a general conference talk, and then send texts to people i love letting them know i love them. yep. i didn't realize i have a very precise formula for heart mending, but i do.

+ i am going to africa this summer. ONLY for the following reasons: i want to hold the orphan babies and children and help them, with all of the energy of my heart, to feel loved. i want to hug the widows and let them cry on my shoulder. i want to sing songs with them and allow our souls to enmesh and simultaneously feel the joy of life.

+ one of the hardest things in life is handing a baby back to their mother when your turn holding him/her is up.  i can't wait until i'm the mother that people give the baby up to when he/she starts crying.

+ i love blogging. it is a great escape for me. i don't even care if anybody reads it- i have a blog because it is just one more outlet for these ridiculous emotions inside of me.

+ i am not perfect at all. i am impatient, sensitive, and too competitive. {working on it.}one of my favorites quotes is "we must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection"

+ one of my greatest annoyances in life is that there is not enough time to have a long, meaningful conversation with each person you love every single day.

+ when i am having a bad day, i know it is because i am being selfish. so then i try to think about somebody besides myself. it usually cheers me up.

+ i laugh at jokes that most people dont laugh at. out loud, genuine, belly gut laughing. it's my favorite, actually.
like this for example.
i laughed for like 5 minutes. all alone in my room.
+ i play with hair. it's just what i do. do not be alarmed if i touch your hair. just let it happen.

+ music is a huge part of me. if you want to know what my feelings sound like, listen to my iPod.

+ for me, it is very easy to fall in love with someone. it just is.

+ one of my strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. i care too much about people- my close friends, my family, and even those random little friendships- even if they don't think it is important to them, it is to me. that is good sometimes, but it also sucks wayyyy a lot at other times.

+ i get so so so excited about stupid things. everything matters to me.

+ nobody has ever been in love with me. and sometimes i cry about that. but i hope that one guy will come along and make up for it.

+  i think when you say someone has a mental disability, that is code for someone who has an enlarged capacity to love anyone and everything without any restraints, someone who can help alter a person's entire perception of this world- for the better.

+ i've realized that one of the best feelings is when somebody knows who you REALLY are, and loves you anyways. 

ok. im done for now. that was uncensored.
completely me.
are you asleep yet?
i apologize.
some things just need to be set free.
like a kite. or my innermost emotions.

until next time...


  1. Kerri, this is coming from Uncle Jared. Sounds like we have a lot in common. You are such a wonderful, beautiful young woman. Thanks for sharing this. When we see you at Thanksgiving, if you are up for a meaningful conversation, come get me, I will talk and I am a REALLY good listener!

  2. Kerri- the only and I mean ONLY reason someone hasn't been in love with you is because its not time, your mans not available yet and the Lord has protected you from the other guys who he knows you would fall in love with, cause its so easy for you. I love this post, I love how amazing you are and how you recognize all these strengths within yourself. Your going to be the best wife and mother out there! Be patient and trust the Lord and his time frame.It will come sooner than you think. Love you! Aunt Tiffani

  3. That was incredibly relaxing to read.



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