July 22 :)

I cant wait for July 22. I have another little baby growing inside of me right this very moment, and on that day I get to meet that sweet little nugget. Often times the thought of that makes me beam with joy. Because this time, I know the outcome, and it's the most heavenly thing. I'm already daydreaming about the first night I have with this baby, we will cuddle all night long and heck no those nurses will not take my baby away for the night- I can't let those precious hours pass by without soaking up every single moment. Because (if you ask me) for the first day of life, they are still half way in heaven, halfway on earth; which means there is very little reason for them to cry. So mostly they just cuddle and let you stare at their eyes in complete awe. It's overwhelming because they are a blank slate and it's your job to fill it up, but at the same time you have an inkling that this fresh-from-heaven spirit knows a lot more than you do about some things.

Anyways, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. And also going a little overboard on the mushiness. I guess you could say I'm excited? But, if you were wondering, no I do not have a preference of gender.
- a girl would be perfect because jane would have a forever friend and I can dress them in matching outfits until they start to get embarrassed by it.
- a boy would be perfect because I don't have one of those yet and jeff would have a son and all his wildest dreams would come true. But I'll admit, I'm a bit frightened about changing a diaper and getting sprayed in the face with pee without any warning.

Oh and I also don't have any idea as to what gender it is either, let's face it, that motherly instinct that they speak of? I have none of it because I would've bet my right arm that jane was a boy...

I do need to take a moment to toot my own horn because for the past 3ish weeks I haven't eaten ANY sugar. Some of my family started the no sugar for a year challenge and I thought it'd be a good idea since with jane, I basically lived off of sour patch kids. Also I failed my first glucose test with her. #sugarmonster. So no sugar for this baby...but cheese? Oh so much cheese. I think the amount of cheese I have eaten this pregnancy has counteracted the benefits of eating no sugar. You win some, you lose some.

Also, since I don't know what this baby looks like yet, I'll just reminisce about jane when she was a baby, and continue on daydreaming :)

MY baby.

my baby says "baby" now. 

usually your kids grow and everyone notices but you because you are with them everyday. but lately it has seemed like jane is noticeably bigger, noticeably smarter, everyday. 

but holy cow i can't talk enough about how much joy this girl brings. this age, although it may bring about some my-baby-is-NOT-a-baby tears, is SO fun.

we can play together. we can dance together. we can read together. we can laugh real good together. we can bark every time we see a dog together. 

to commemorate my big baby, here are som pictures from the other day.

it was a good one.

but sometimes while i watch her sleep she still does that sucking motion with her mouth that she has done since she was a newborn and i'm relieved to know that there is still some baby left in her. my sweet sweet baby. i love you forever.

feeling things

So I deleted my Facebook but I got on my husband's the other day to send someone a message and the first three posts I saw on his Facebook were pictures of Mommas about to go into labor and/or newborn babies in the hospital.

Yay for them but....TEARS for me! Not of jealousy. Just tears of yearning- for something I thought i had, or was going to have, but was taken away in a quite gruesome manner. A miscarriage is weird. I thought I'd be grievously sad for a couple days and then go on with life. And in a way I have. But in other deeper ways, it's something that will affect me for a long time. I feel like a part of my identity was stripped away because the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was a momma of two. But in a day, that changed. I don't dwell on it or mope around all day about it, but there is a wound in my heart that will probably outstay it's welcome. I mean, it sounds weird- especially since the baby was the size of a raisin and hardly resembled a human.

I can't  explain it but I know a lot of women understand because they have also been through it. Which is sad, but true nonetheless.  However, the fact that so many women go through this doesn't make it any easier. You would think the fact that I KNOW I will have many more children would be the only bandage I need for me to pick myself up off the ground, rub some dirt on it, and move on. And that knowledge certainly does help, but for some reason,  it's not enough to erase the pain of not having THIS baby. The one I felt connected to already.  Whose little heart I saw beating, and who I had already thought of names for. And who was supposed to join our family on February 9th. That won't be a fun day....

I do know that my faith in God's timing has been strengthened. And I also know that I can have true empathy for other women who may go trough this later on. Hopefully my empathy for them can bring them some comfort. I know I'm being refined and it's hard, but I still have a lot to be grateful for. I know that many other people are being refined by trials that are of a much greater intensity than this one. And I'm definitely aware that I have more blessings in my life than I even feel worthy of.

This is  NOT meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post- just one where I am trying to sort out my feelings that even I hardly understand.  When it all comes down to it, this has been rough and I wish it didn't happen. But the bottom line, the very very bottom, is that I have these two. Thank goodness for that!

and the white dress continues.

a year ago from yesterday i wore a big white dress and married the love of my life.
and yesterday in honor of  my white dress, my sweet daughter wore her first big white dress for her blessing day.
what a very happy day!
we woke up and jeff made me a delicious breakfast- bacon and eggs (with extra cheese).
he even wore an apron :)
he also got me a 2 pound bag of sour patch and a box of ferrero chocolates. pig wife.
then i showed him this video i made for him while our baby slept like an angel with a pot belly.

 we shared this i promise...

"GIMME SOME BACON"

"i've always wanted to buy these for my wife ever since i was a little boy."

I was happy he bought me these because his sisters gave them to us on our wedding day and we never got to eat them because while we were on our cruise, raccoons got in to our car and ate them all. seriously.

anyways after the little anniversary mushiness in the morning, we started getting ourselves and jane ready for church. jane wasn't a fan of me putting that dress on her.

and to get any good  pictures we had to put her binky in her mouth, count to three, and on three we would quickly rip her binky out and take a picture before she realized it was out of her mouth and threw a fit. it is quite the delicate process.

there are a lot of pictures but i love them all so bear with me...

 I KNOW, I KNOW. EVERYONE ENVIES OUR COUCHES.

 ^^ this is how it really was....

i seriously love this girl.

my mom is so awesome. i texted her saturday morning that we would be blessing jane the next day. she hopped in her car 30 minutes later and drove to provo. she was here for less than 24 hours before she had to drive back. she gave us a generous anniversary gift. $100 bill (okay all of a sudden everyone is giving us those...im not complaining though). she said "the 1 is for one year and the two 0's are for the two of you!" so clever. so yeah, next year i'm expecting a $200 bill mom... ;)
also jeff is embarrassed by me because i put my arm INside his suit jacket instead of outside in these pictures.
my bad. I'm just so classy.

the blessing jeff gave to jane was beautiful and my heart was so full. so many of our friends and some family were there to support us. I'm so grateful for all the people who love us AND our baby. jane is so loved and all she has to do is exist. afterwards we had everyone over for ice cream sandwiches (again, so classy) and talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company. oh, and also talked about how cute our baby is. ;)

jeff and i just feel like this year has brought more blessings than we ever could've imagined.

it was so fun reminiscing and watching our wedding video.

it has been the best year ever.

WE ARE SO HAPPY. 

the day did end in sort of a downer though.

opposition in all things, ya know?

jeff and i thought we had a free gift certificate to grand america for a night- the swankiest hotel. ever.

so we were planning to stay there for a night this week as a late celebration.

well turns out, its not a gift card for a free room...you have to buy a room first and then they would give you a free upgrade.

and the room cost $280. 

UHM THANKS BUT NO THANKS.

jeff wanted to go sit in a corner and cry like a 5 year old little boy. but instead he banged his hands on my keyboard like a 5 year old little boy.

and in his whiniest, most pathetic voice he whimpered:

"i can't even tell you how much i thought about going to that sweet hotel...probably at least every other day for a whole year!"

...

"UGH IM MAD. I need to watch something with guns right now because I'm so ticked off!"

and then he proceeded to type in "cool freaking guns" into the youtube search engine.

i guess you just can't have it all.