Dear 16 year old self, you are moronic.

I know many people say they don't have regrets in life, but I am not one of those people. I've been thinking about this a lot more recently as I raise my daughter. I hope to raise her to have confidence in herself physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I have not always been that way. I am an emotional person, particularly with relationships and people. I've always struggled with the thought of losing relationships, and I'm often willing to do anything to keep them. Oh man, it's good to care about your relationships but it is NOT ok to do it the way I did.

There was a guy in high school who I had a big fat crush on and then he seemingly returned the sentiment. We were best friends. With benefits? I will never be able to explain that relationship to anyone, but all I know was that I allowed it to rob me of 3 years of happiness. Off and on like a darn light switch. That human that I simply could not let go of regardless of the horrific things he did to me and how horribly he made me feel.  I let my fragile emotions be manipulated like a rag doll and I relied on his actions for my own validation. Pathetic! I look back and all I feel is utter humiliation. I cannot believe my self esteem was so low that I was willing to let someone treat me that way and affect my happiness in such a big way.

I hope my daughter can learn to value herself enough to realize that she deserves to be treated royally.   I hope to teach her that forgiveness is always important, but that forgiveness doesn't mean you let someone back in, just to destroy you all over again. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things.

Someone upstairs was looking out for me and my foolish emotions, and sent me my wonderful husband just in time. Of course I fell for him hard and fast and he has always treated me the way I deserve. I'm thankful everyday I ended up with him. But still, I've learned to not let my happiness be based on relationships.

 You cannot let your happiness depend on someone else, it has to come from within. You have to be secure enough in yourself to let people go who need to be let go and to shake it off (like taylor swift) when people try to tear you down. I've learned that for me to be independently happy, I need to live and internalize the guidelines given to me by God. Read my scriptures, say my prayers, treat my body right, serve others, etc. In return, I receive my security and deep confidence from God, He always reminds me that my worth is constant, and no other person can change that.

Please little Jane, learn from your mommy's mistakes. Be proud of who you are!


(also, i wrote this post NEVER intending to post it in a million years and somehow my subconscious mind clicked publish and there is no going back I suppose....)

A Few Questions For You All...

Do you think if the girl who I met at EFY when I was 14 would be extremely creeped out if she knew I hunted down her blog and read it religiously? We weren't even really friends...


Am I really that friend? The one who texts 4 different friends on the same day and doesn't get a reply from any of them. I'm even annoyed by me. yikes.


Can someone please come watch gilmore girls with me? And when I mean someone, I mean a girl who appreciates quick wit humor like I do.


Do you want to get a foot zone? It's really cool. Email me or call me about it if you want to..or if you just want to learn more. Or just learn nothing and call me a witch doctor, because that's what some people do, too. Whatever suits you.


Want to go ahead and call me a crazy OIL lady too? Because, I've totally jumped aboard the essential oil bandwagon as well. But not the stinky oils...guh-ross.


Jane, remember the 2 hour cuddle session you gave me last christmas? You are welcome to give me the same gift this year.

Is this real life? because my brother gets home from his 2 year (seemed like 10 year) mission in less than 3 weeks. peeing in my pants............!!!!!!!!!!! oh and my sister and I are going to make homemade exfoliating face wash because we are both weird like that.

Hey Jeff, will you please get an 'A' on the test you are currently taking? Because I said you could buy yourself (and me) a treat if you do, and I really want a treat.


(a mint brownie from the creamery or a bag of sour gummy worms would really hit the spot.)

Everyone Plays a Piece

It isn't often that I watch a video or listen to a song that moves me in a way that propels me to share it with as many people as possible, but this is one of them. Also it is sung by my HANDS DOWN favorite singer ever. David Archuleta, duh.

This song makes me cry each and every time I sing a long. The truth and beauty of the messages in it resonate throughout my entire body and give me that little tingly, on the brink of a happy emotional break down, feeling. It's like, I've always known that I am here for a glorious purpose; we all are, and this song just reminds of that in the biggest and best way possible.

It's like a symphony,

just keep listening;

and pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part.

everyone plays a piece, 

and there are melodies in each one of us.

oh, it's glorious.

It's so amazing what we're all creating.

I feel so ready to fulfill my purpose when listening to this song, and especially after listening to general conference this weekend. So much love. So much goodness. So much beauty, all around us. My heart is kinda overflowing these days...

ps...go see the movie "Meet the Mormons" that opens this weekend!

end of september (what?!) thoughts

let's talk about some things. like how it is basically fall already. i'm not as obsessed with fall as most of the girls around here but i'm not a hater either. truly, i'm a summer girl, a sunshine lover, which makes fall a double edged sword. the beauty of fall, especially in utah, is incomparable to most of the beauties of this earth. it emanates from multi-colored leaves and seeps into my soul, instilling a sense of confidence and gratitude and bravery, like i can conquer the world; all while wearing my favorite cardigan. nature is slowly and gorgeously retiring for a season, while leaving me to feel as if i have a fresh, clean slate. why changing leaves and crisp, refreshing air can make me feel so many things, i will never know.

the other side of the sword though? fall is a slippery slope into the doom and gloomy days of winter. no, no, no, i will never vouch for winter. you have to wears shoes and socks like, everyday. ugh. and the option of playing outside all day long with your baby no longer exists. unless you want to spend like 2 hours bundling up, just to go outside and get a red, runny nose and think yeah, not worth it, let's go inside.

fall is a doubled edged sword.

i'm already starting to get creative with entertaining my child indoors. can we talk about how i sat there and threw a basketball at my head yesterday, repeatedly, just to get a little chuckle out of her? I'm afraid for myself and what other head-ache inducing activities i will subject myself to in the coming months.

feeling things

So I deleted my Facebook but I got on my husband's the other day to send someone a message and the first three posts I saw on his Facebook were pictures of Mommas about to go into labor and/or newborn babies in the hospital.

Yay for them but....TEARS for me! Not of jealousy. Just tears of yearning- for something I thought i had, or was going to have, but was taken away in a quite gruesome manner. A miscarriage is weird. I thought I'd be grievously sad for a couple days and then go on with life. And in a way I have. But in other deeper ways, it's something that will affect me for a long time. I feel like a part of my identity was stripped away because the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was a momma of two. But in a day, that changed. I don't dwell on it or mope around all day about it, but there is a wound in my heart that will probably outstay it's welcome. I mean, it sounds weird- especially since the baby was the size of a raisin and hardly resembled a human.

I can't  explain it but I know a lot of women understand because they have also been through it. Which is sad, but true nonetheless.  However, the fact that so many women go through this doesn't make it any easier. You would think the fact that I KNOW I will have many more children would be the only bandage I need for me to pick myself up off the ground, rub some dirt on it, and move on. And that knowledge certainly does help, but for some reason,  it's not enough to erase the pain of not having THIS baby. The one I felt connected to already.  Whose little heart I saw beating, and who I had already thought of names for. And who was supposed to join our family on February 9th. That won't be a fun day....

I do know that my faith in God's timing has been strengthened. And I also know that I can have true empathy for other women who may go trough this later on. Hopefully my empathy for them can bring them some comfort. I know I'm being refined and it's hard, but I still have a lot to be grateful for. I know that many other people are being refined by trials that are of a much greater intensity than this one. And I'm definitely aware that I have more blessings in my life than I even feel worthy of.

This is  NOT meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post- just one where I am trying to sort out my feelings that even I hardly understand.  When it all comes down to it, this has been rough and I wish it didn't happen. But the bottom line, the very very bottom, is that I have these two. Thank goodness for that!

i'm done!

About 9 months ago, the week before school was supposed to start, I was so nervous and scared. I knew there was a long, HUGE mountain in front of me that I had no choice but to climb. Going to school with a baby. I remember talking to my sister in law, lindsay, who had gone through the same thing and saying "I can't believe you did that...and you are so lucky that it is already over." I just remember being so amazed that she had gone through 2 years of school with a baby and she was actually standing in front of me, alive and well, all limbs in tact. It seemed impossible to me.

But this scripture brought me a lot of comfort. "...the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them to accomplish the things which he commandeth them." (1 nephi 3:7) So, i was obeying a commandment of having children which meant that there actually was a way for me to accomplish this daunting task.

And look. I've done it. It has been a growing experience for Jeff and I. It has been rip-your-hair-out challenging. It has been i-seriously-hate-my-professor-so-much-for-having-an-attendance-policy frustrating. It has been if-i-have-to-leave-my-baby-again-i-might-explode heartbreaking. It has been the-dishes-can-sit-for-one-more-night exhausting. But it's funny because it only took one smile from my sweet baby to completely wipe away any overwhelming emotions. 

Somehow I was able to do well in my classes even when my only homework time was jane's nap time. Somehow, there were angels who were willing to watch and love my sweet baby when we needed. Somehow, jeff's job is incredibly flexible and he was able to pick his own hours. Somehow, the way was prepared. 

And now as I look back, I don't deny it was hard, but I am also so grateful for the experience. And it was wonderful. And even though everyone around me was saying "you are in school with a baby?! that SUCKS!", I actually felt a profound sense of gratitude.  I was able to be a mother to perfection personified, and I was simultaneously receiving an education at my absolute DREAM school. There weren't many days at BYU that I took for granted. It is like heaven on earth to me. After all, when I found out that I got into BYU, I wrote in my journal in big block letters: "I GOT INTO BYU. I WILL LITERALLY NEVER BE SAD AGAIN!!"

Getting into BYU was one of my biggest dreams in life. And it was while at BYU that all the rest of my dreams came true too. 

 made some lifelong friends

made a life-changing trip

made my dream guy fall in love with me ;)

then i made him marry me

then we made a baby (very shortly after...)

and that's by far the best thing i've ever made.

[insert picture of me in my byu graduation gown here. only i never ordered one so hopefully one of my friends will let me borrow theirs so i can take a picture that says "hey look at me! i fulfilled the byu stereotype by getting married AND having a baby before i graduated. HOORAY!" but really. i am 100% happy to be fulfilling that stereotype.]

rotten

Painful and surprising family crisis + PMS + husband being gone 24/7 and also leaving all next week + i was finally going to have time with him last night but he ditched me to go to a movie with his friends instead + i ran into everyone in the world today on campus right after i rolled out of bed and braved the outside world thinking i might get lucky and not see anyone i know. but then i actually saw everyone. so, yeah ugly kerri plus i didn't have the stamina to fake any smiles today.

and i just want to go to arizona. also i am so incredibly selfish for even saying any of this and acting like i am the victim. cuz I'm not. i realize I'm doing the opposite of counting my blessings. (and i realize there are many.) and I'm not being a wonderful, positive, and grateful person. let's face it. I'm not that person. not one bit. at least not today.

today is rotten like a rotten egg.

so i'm going to go take a nap.

i hope nobody reads this but it had to be written. I'm thinking about making this blog private anyways, for this very reason.

*EDIT: ALL I NEEDED WAS A NAP.

Family Hangover + bald spot pt. 2

I just got back from a weekend in St. George. I drove down all by myself. That was super scary for me- but that just shows how much I had been craving family time. I think the whole drive i was praying that I wouldn't get in a wreck or get pulled over. seriously? cops are my greatest fear. Whenever i even see a cop car my heart pounds through my chest for a good ten minutes. I've had a few unfortunate experiences with them. Wouldn't being a cop suck? "What do you do for a living?" "Oh I pull people over and completely obliterate any chances of them having a good day." Don't get me wrong, i believe in traffic violations but GOODNESS they scare the crap out of me.

Cop rant aside, I had a wonderful time in St. George with my grandparents, cousin, and sister. We watched frozen together the first night. And when I say WE, i mean I sat and watched it while they talked and ran around doing things while i just sat there laughing at all of the disney jokes and singing along. So i mean, i had fun. We just hung out, ate good food, and talked. (unfortunately not good for you food. oops) I managed to go on a 7.5 mile run, though. While packing, i failed to remember that St. George has blazing sun. (oh yeah i forgot it isn't cold old provo) SO like, the thick black running pants i brought were one of the biggest regrets of my life when I finished and my legs felt like fire.

Oh and another fun fact that was brought to my attention while in St. George? My hairstylist cousin Kara had just finished dying my hair when she said "what is this bald spot on the back of your head?" i laughed and thought she was kidding because i randomly got a bald spot on my head a few years ago after I got back from Africa. I had attributed it to the parasite I got. But now, parasite-free and lookey here, I got myself a brand new bald spot! (nope- to my awful horror she was not joking.) YIPEE!! Seriously though, next time it's going to be on the top of my head and I will want to die. I gave myself a good 20 minutes to be extremely dramatic about said bald spot, because REALLY? What kind of 22 year old woman gets raaaandom bald spots? Like, more than once. It is especially devastating to a busy momma who 9 times out of 10 throws her hair up into a messy bun. Yeah, well, not anymore. Because then my messy buns will turn into nothing but an embarrassing flaunting of my new shiny splotch of skin on the back of my head.

lets compare.

first bald spot
(this is me looking in the mirror in africa)

current bald spot.

SO CUTE ohmygosh.

Anyways, before I knew it, it was time to drive back home. BAH. this was jane's reaction when i told her we had to leave. She was probably mimicking my dramatic antics.

Jane and I really had so much fun, and of course the only pictures I took were of her. 

 jane loves her aunt rachel

and anything soft (read: silky)

and doing leg raises in church

and wearing stripes like mommy.

I got home and was so happy to see my husband; but soon, the familiar pit in my stomach that I always get after leaving family started to settle real good. It's just the 'back to reality, away from the people who love me' feeling that makes you feel depressed a little bit. I'm not sure if these feelings are really warranted but I let myself feel them for awhile before coming back to the realization that returning to 'real life' is actually pretty dang good for me. I'm pretty lucky to have my baby and husband, and our small little apartment full of love and laughs and happiness as my beautiful reality.

I SERIOUSLY HATE FADS

Who wants to know something interesting about me? Ok well I'm going to tell you anyways...

Ok i am a hater of fads. They are incredibly annoying to me. I'm the kind of person who prides myself (maybe a little too much) on being my own self, not a follower or a leader necessarily- but just me. So sometimes i intentionally avoid fads because i feel like I'm falling into a trap that everyone is falling into. It took me so long before I would buy skinny jeans just because I was resistant to be a supporter of another dang fad. Like, why do i need to have skinny jeans? So I can be like EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD? I just don't get it. Why do we all want to be the same? Granted, I wear skinny jeans now. But the whole colored skinny jeans or like floral or whatever the heck else is happening- yeah not on board with that quite yet. I think they are cute and they look good. But if I went out and spent a $100 on 3 pairs of colored jeans, then what would that get me? Uhm....i would just blend in more with everyone else. Nobody would notice, but I'd be $100 poorer. Ya know what I'm saying? I mean this is just an example. There are so many fads. Like the DIY fad. I've always been a creative person. I've always loved creating things and doing crafts and all that. But now that every woman in the world feels like they need to DIY like their life depends on it, I'm kind of turned off. When I want to do a craft or make something, I almost don't want to because I feel like it would just be giving into the pressure to DIY that so many other women are giving into. My husband has recently informed me of the ridiculousness of my reasoning ("if you want to craft, craft!"), and i'll have to agree on that...

Oh and THEN there is the healthy food fad.  Where green smoothies are hip and gluten is suddenly a cuss word. I'm a tiny bit annoyed by it just because I feel like so many people are doing it for the wrong reasons. But still, it's a good thing regardless. If a fad results in healthier people, then let it be a fad forever! (that's my hope for this fad) It's important to treat our bodies well. I suppose you can say I'm a part of the fad but it's more than a fad to me. It's the way I've chosen to live my life for the rest of my life. No, I'm not going to do any of the Vegan, Gluten free, Paleo business. Give me meat and dairy or give me death! aaand, little treats here and there are a must in my world. But for the most part, I will fill my body with real food. However, I will admit- I just watched a documentary on food production and it's the first time I've thought about going vegetarian. It isn't going to happen, but the thought crossed my mind. yikes- those poor little chickens! Anyways.. This was a lovely little rant. I don't want to follow any fads, but i want to eat healthy, do crafts, and be a momma and wife. the end.

Ok also random side note: one of my friends told me that she had a friend who wanted someone to come teach her how to make healthy meals once a week for 8 weeks (paid!!) and was wondering if I'd be interested.....how cool is that? That would be like a dream job! All of you people out there who are registered dieticians /professional are probably scoffing at the thought...but i don't know, maybe i can turn it into a thing. that would be so so cool!

I hope you enjoyed entering into my stream of consciousness....lamest post of my life. (but look mom, i blogged! sorry there aren't any pictures of jane..)

UNCUT Valentine's Day Post.

Valentine's day this year was a good one. Jeff came home from PT in the morning and I set out this candy poster I made for him. His friends call him the candy man so this was the obvious solution to pleasing him on valentine's day.

Jane joined in on the festivities. And by that I mean she allowed me to dress her in her adorable heart vest that my mom sent her and consequently melted our hearts.

jeff ate all of the candy rather quickly, as i predicted he would. then we kind of just went about our day. jeff came home from class with a little gift. he got me a wooden plaque:

I thought that was really sweet and thoughtful. It really made me feel loved. Valentine's day is fun, but also annoying. I will admit. It's not supposed to be a competition to see whose husband/boyfriend is the sweetest, but sometimes that's what it turns into. And I guess the excessive bragging is warranted and nearly unavoidable. (i mean how can i not brag about this [insert romantic gift])? And here i am bragging about my husband, being a straight up hypocrite. (can't stop) I think I am still haunted by the monster of Valentine's past. There were many times when I was excruciatingly single. Just sitting in my room watching lion king all alone while trying to avoid the bombardment of everyone else's mushiness.

ANYWAYS, let's focus on how I am so not even close to single anymore and how great it is. That night we went to the military ball. I got all dressed up and even straightened my hair. I thought that was impressive (let's be real; i don't have more than 15 minutes a day to get myself ready usually so this was quite the feat.) But then I got to the ball and everyone had prom, professional hair-do's and i was like...oh hey, i did my hair. It was really nice to have a night out with jeff (complete with hot tubbing afterwards with friends). Thanks to my sister in law for babysitting on valentine's day! (we swapped babysitting nights.)

yeah we didn't really get any good pictures....haha i don't know why it has to be so difficult.

Valentine's Day was great. But life has been hard lately. Sometimes i get so bogged down with all the things I want to be. I want to be a good student, neighbor, ward member, and friend. Mostly though, I want to be the perfect wife and the perfect mom. But I've already completely blown any chances of being any of those things. Those people who proudly proclaim "marriage is a piece of cake! why does everybody say it's hard?" make me want to rip my hair out and give myself a big fat "F" in life. (note, I'm not saying my marriage is bad or anything- i would just never say it is a piece of cake. we both have to work really hard at it). I want my husband, when describing me to others in 50 years, to list off a bunch of admirable characteristics: "She never complained, we never argued, she was always kind, she was always serving others, her faith was so strong, she always knew exactly what to say, she was my very best friend, she was such a wonderful and loving and compassionate mother."  But sometimes i wonder if I will ever live up to the expectations I have set for myself. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just zigzag-snap my fingers and be one of those admirable women? So many women seem to have had it all together all along. Right when I feel like I'm doing well, I realize something else that I really suck at. It's like never ending! I'd like to think I'm not alone in this, but so many women I surround myself by seem to be doing better than me. I guess that's life though- progressing and improving myself each day is just a part of it. And I mean, if I were perfect than I wouldn't still be here on this earth being tested- and that would suck because jeff wouldn't have anyone to make him lunches or write his english papers for him. wait, what?

In the quiet heart is hidden.

I'm thinking about things that make my heart hurt. I'm feeling very inspired by some amazing people who are incredibly resilient in the face of extreme adversity. I'm feeling grateful that my life feels so rich with blessings and I don't know what I did to deserve it. I'm feeling like the movie "Charly" is a sick joke and makes me cry so hard that I can't breathe... because she dies before her baby really knows her and that is the worst thing ever and I need to stop typing about it before I start crying again. (and actually i didn't just watch it...too sad. i haven't watched that movie for years)

Today was a day I took to mourn. This sweet girl I worked with from my hometown who was also in some of my classes died in a tragic accident. I'm not sad for her, because I know she is happier. (she was an angelic human being). But I am aching for her family. A family I've never met. I've been somber and numb all day, but at the same time I have been keenly aware of my loved ones and the blessings they bring to my life. I'm sad for Charly that she didn't get to watch her son grow up (even though "it's just a movie" as jeff would say). I'm heartbroken for any mom who didn't get to watch her kids grow up and any person who didn't grow up with their mother. I'm also grieving for any woman who wants more than anything to bear children, but they aren't able to. I'm crying for my friend whose baby died shortly after she gave birth. I'm sad that usually the condolences and sympathetic words are only extended for a brief period. But these people are suffering for much longer than that brief period. Because, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that they eye can't see." 

 I'm feeling sympathy for my aunt who has faced more adversity than any person should ever face. She has lost a precious son and 3 siblings. The pain she has persevered through is unfathomable to me, truly. I probably think about her every day and sympathize. (because heaven knows i can't have empathy, for I have never experienced such intense pains or circumstances.) Along with sympathy, i marvel at the resiliency of her spirit. That she is able to not only continue to merely survive, but to actually live a Christlike life and be an example to me. To me, her life is a testimony that with the Savior's love and support we can truly do anything. 

I'm feeling like I have a lot to be grateful for. But on days like today, i'm torn between this fervent gratitude and the feeling of acute sensitivity to the pain that others are going through.

This quote I love-  and I pray it will comfort at least one person who is suffering through a seemingly impossible trial:

"When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship.....he will not press upon us more than we can bear." - Neal A. Maxwell. 

Also, this video. and this, and THIS.

scared out of my mind

i start school today.
15 credits.
1 baby.
1 husband.
24 hours each day.

i have never been so nervous or scared about anything in my life.
i kind of feel on the constant verge of hyperventilating.
i honestly don't know how i will do it. or if i even can.

her smile
and hugs + encouraging and loving words from my husband will keep me going.
and i need to trust in the Lord now more than ever because i for sure can't do this without His help.

jane, thanks for being worth it.

i'm sure that because of you, i will grow in ways i never thought possible this year.
and i suppose i should be grateful for that opportunity.
but I'm scared.

my husband is gone

he's gone for 7 weeks.
for military training.
i haven't mentioned this at all, on here at least.
because i didn't want to think about it.
or else i would cry a lot.
kinda like i did this morning at the airport watching him walk away.
the other half of my heart just walking away for 7 agonizingly long weeks.
it was not a happy feeling.
i really don't recommend it.

im so grateful i have a precious little piece of him still.
in the form of a sweet baby girl.
heavenly father knew i needed her right when i had her.
because she will be the one who gets me through this summer.
we will miss that man. our man.

and I'm stressed because i really don't know who will swaddle her now because jeff is so much better at it than i am.

hey guess what, my life is NOT over.

1. "WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?!?!"

2. "no...my sister did that and wished she hadn't"

3. "what about getting an education?"

4. "no, no...you should travel the world first!"

5. "that is detrimental to a marriage! you need time to have fun and get to know each other"

6. "you can never go back, so take your time!"

these are just a few of the remarks i've received from people in the past year after they found out that jeff and i...we wanted children. and we didn't really want to wait.

i realize it's different for everyone and each couple should decide for themselves when the right time is. the point of this post is to explain why we chose what we chose...and to also explain that having children early is really not the death sentence some people make it out to be.

flashback to when we were newly engaged.

 this is a very special story to me and i want to always remember it. 

 i told jeff i wanted to wait a bit before having kids and i needed to talk to him about birth control...he brushed it off and said we would talk about it later. well, that day, something strange happened. i had a conversation with a pregnant friend of mine. and afterwards it hit me: Im going to get pregnant soon after i get married. that thought made me happy, not overwhelmed. peaceful, not stressed out. and it just felt right. like a warm chocolate chip cookie with a glass of cold milk at the end of a long day. mmm :)

4 hours later, we sat down to talk and jeff said:

"kerri...ive been thinking about the whole birth control thing. and i think..." (dramatic pause)

this really was a dramatic pause because while it was happening this was what was going on in my head: 

"we need to have a baby, we need to have a baby!"

end of dramatic pause. then he said, matter-of-factly:

"we should have a baby."

we both knew what he meant by that. because we both felt it. not only should we have a baby, but we should do it as soon as we could. this was what the Lord wanted us to do. the thought of that daunted me only days before, yet suddenly it was the most perfect solution i could ever think up. i remember the spirit i felt after he said those words. it was as if the child we just decided to have was smiling down on us, waiting eagerly to join our family. i felt completely prepared to take a giant leap of faith.

fast forward 5 months (only one month after our wedding), i peed on a stick and revealed to me was the  happiest news i'd ever received. i was pregnant! :)

of course there were many who were excited and supportive, but the overwhelming majority of people had reactions and comments similar to the ones at the beginning of this post. so what i'd like to do now is address each of those comments/questions that were spouted off at me at different times. ya know, now that i have a baby i feel entitled to do so.

1. "WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?!?!"

yes. I'm sure. and you asking me that question incredulously with a bewildered look on your face will not change my mind, thanks.

2. "no...my sister did that and wished she hadn't"

well I'm not your older sister. and that is sad. but i do not plan on regretting my children.

seriously...i highly doubt i will ever regret this.

uhm....impossible.

3. "what about getting an education?"

I'm still planning on graduating from college...yes i know it will be hard, but in the grand scheme of things- bringing my child into this world when she is supposed to come is worth a year of sacrifice to me. and i know it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to grow spiritually and mentally. yes, my daughter will come first and i will most likely not get straight A's (i've never even done that anyways), but i will finish school because that is important to me, and i can have something to fall back on if i ever need to provide for my family. however, i feel that the most vital role i will ever play is a mother, not a student. i believe that motherhood "...is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for" - via (this talk perfectly describes how i feel about having children)

4. "no, no...you should travel the world first!"

who says you can't travel the world with your children? there are valuable life lessons that one can only learn from going different places, seeing different things and different cultures. i want to watch my child's face light up when they are able to see these new things, i want to watch as their ungrateful attitude changes once they see how fortunate they are compared to others in this world. i want to help instill in them an acceptance and love of all people. that can't happen as effectively by just showing them pictures of places her dad and i went before they even existed. 

..that's how i look at it. yes it would be awesome to travel with just my husband, but in my opinion it will be just as awesome, or more so, to do it with our children.

5. "that is detrimental to a marriage! you need time to have fun and get to know each other"

ok. the first 5 months of our marriage were not always fun. they were hard. because i was a sick pregnant zombie wife. I'm sure my husband second guessed his decision to marry me. i was SO lame. that was a hard trial for us, but we got through it and are stronger because of it. and the latter half of my pregnancy we had so much fun! happier and stronger and more in love than ever :) oh, and pretty sure we definitely got to know each other. the good, the bad, and the ugly.. 9 months really is a long time!

(...yucky iPhone quality)

and guess what....just because we have a baby, does not mean the fun abruptly stops. we have had so much fun since jane has been born. we have taken her to parties and shown her off to our gushing friends. we go to game nights and carry on playing and laughing just as we always have- only this time with a precious bundle of perfection curled up on my chest. we take her on walks and are entertained by her little sighs, grunts, and yawns. (and jeff says things he has never said before on a walk, such as: "I'm so happy, i think I'm going to cry") i bring her to jeff's frisbee games and introduce her as the newest and littlest cheerleader. he calls all his friends over and proudly proclaims with a grin spreading across his face: "this is my baby!" life is more fun than it ever has been. and all she can do is sleep, eat, and poop. oh, and be freaking adorable. i can only imagine how much more fun it will be once she starts becoming a real person and developing a little personality. 

6. "you can never go back, so take your time!"

ever since jane has been here, the love jeff and i have for each other has exploded. it is unreal how much our love and appreciation for each other has grown. we look at each other in a different light now. not only is jeff the love of my life, but the father of our sweet daughter. and don't even get me started on the love that we have for the little person we created together. i truly believe that having a baby together can solidify and strengthen a marriage like absolutely nothing else can. it brings you more joy than you thought possible. yeah, you can never go back. but guess what? we don't want to. raising our daughter together so far has been exhilarating and easily the best experience of our lives. 

we are so happy that we didn't delay this incomprehensible joy.(have i used the word joy enough yet??)

so. there you have it. 

i have a baby.

as it turns out, she is the opposite of an insta-fun-sucker

and believe it or not, my life is NOT over.

it is just beginning :)

the reality of a 'happy' marriage.

this is for anyone who has the potential to be married one day, or who is already married.

it's also for me because it is something i have been thinking about a lot lately. 

and whether or not it will benefit any of you, i need to address this topic for my own sanity :)

i think we have all frequently heard something along the lines of:

 "marriage is so happy! it's just the best"

especially if you live in utah, the land of self proclaimed "happy" newlyweds.
this is also quite a relevant proclamation in blog-land, as I'm sure some of you have noticed.

well let me tell you something.

happiness cannot be a constant. 

not even in marriage.

when you are engaged, the things you hear most from your fellow newlywed married friends are:

"you will just love it!" and "it's so much better!"

yes that is true. but the sugar coating is lathered on thick in those types of comments.

marriage can be bliss.{and oh when it is you want to shout from the rooftops (and you usually do!)}

but bliss cannot come without selflessness and hard work. 

the latter part is what people fail to shout from the rooftops.

there will be times of utter frustration. times when you feel like you have completely failed. times when you wonder why it can't be perfect for you like it supposedly is for so many other people.  

but then you say I'm sorry. you say i forgive you. you say i love you. and you mean it with everything you have. 

when you do that, those hard times fade into the distance and are replaced with the most exultant and wonderful feelings of happiness and love. this incredible feeling fills you up like you never knew it could. 

because you stuck together, you worked together, and you made it through.

you saw each other's weaknesses, and you kept on loving fiercely.

it really is such a beautiful thing.

those filled-to-the-brim-with-love moments are what enable you to say you have a happy marriage. 

because most of the time, you really are happy. and its a special kind of happy, one that overwhelms your whole soul in really a good way.

and you know that those good times are so worth the hard and frustrating times that will inevitably come in between.

you can't expect your marriage to be perfectly happy.

but you sure can expect to be happier than you've ever been...

as long as you are willing to put your heart and soul into it.

so that being said, here are some things i've learned in my relatively short time being married.
{yes, i realize I'm probably a novice still.} 

we are so different.

he drives faster than i'd prefer. i drow slower than he'd prefer.

he wants to buy a gun, id rather invest in some nice things for our baby...or a piano.

he wants to go to the dollar movie, i'd rather sit together and talk for hours. 

we are different. we have different opinions. and sometimes they clash.

but that doesn't mean we are failures at marriage, or that there is something wrong with either of us.

it means we have opportunities to stretch, sacrifice, cooperate, and figure it out. together.

eventually it will make you stronger as a couple.

dont compare

often you only see the highlight reel of other people's marriages. of course all wives are gonna instagram a picture of the flowers her husband got her (ya know, the ones your husband didn't get you?). but i can bet my bottom dollar she aint gonna instagram her mascara stained pillow case that followed a particularly frustrating night with her husband. nobody wants to share that. but just because it isn't shared doesn't mean it doesn't happen. there is a big difference between the highlight reel and the behind-the-scenes. 

recognize the strengths in your husband. recognize that he does things better than anyone else does. do NOT focus on what he lacks, or what he forgot to do, or what he didn't notice. only look for the good.

love languages are different.

find out what your spouse's love language is, and pamper them with that kind of love.

also realize they may not know what yours is. TELL THEM. tell them what makes you feel most loved because there is a good chance they will put forth a greater effort in that area. don't expect them to just know.

don't be offended

98% of the time, your spouse is not going to just deliberately say or do something with the sole purpose of hurting your feelings. so next time you are tempted to let your heart shatter into a million pieces, think about your love's intentions and realize they probably did not mean it the way you are taking it. 

say it!

you can never say 'i love you' or 'i appreciate you' too many times! you also can never hug each other enough! its therapeutic in a marriage.

to describe my marriage in the most transparent way possible, i would say this:
our marriage is not perfect. but most of the time we are so happy, and gosh darn it we love each other. despite my many weaknesses, jeff loves me more than anyone else in the world. (which really seems too good to be true) and i love him more than anyone else in the world. that love increases daily, and it really is the best feeling in the world. but we have had to work for that love. and we recognize we will probably have to work for it everyday for the rest of our lives. however, we are both eager and willing to do so, because we know it's worth it.