Today Was Hard

Today was a hard one. We are just getting off of yet another vacation HIGH. But today, it rained all day. Jane had 3 pee accidents. Jeff's mom left. And Lyla climbed onto the table 100 times, refused to eat her dinner again, and took a plunge out of her crib a few minutes after I put her to bed (thank goodness she seemed to be ok after some tears). Jeff is still gone, and I can't talk to him so my blog is serving as my outlet today. For some reason I miss him FIERCELY this time. More than usual. Probably the worst thing that happened today was that after my mother in law left to Kim's house in Belgium (my sister in law about to have a baby) I realized that I forgot to send her the amazon packages Kim sent to my house. Probably $100 worth of baby stuff that she now will not have for her baby thanks to ME. Moments of failure like that tend to pull me down to some pretty deep pits of despair and then I end up getting more worked up over little mistakes my kids make. In the eternal scheme of things, all these things are very, very trivial; but the gloominess outside made its way into my soul somehow. I tried to fight it, and there were moments where I did. But also, not. I give Jane hot sauce on her tongue when she yells (after a few warnings) or says mean things. Well I gave her some today, but I also gave myself some after I yelled at her for full on peeing her pants for the third time today after I had just asked her to go potty and she refused... I rarely yell, I'll give myself that, but today it happened and I instantly felt terrible. And all I could do was show Jane that it wasn't ok for me to yell either.

I went rock climbing today for the first time, and I'm totally hooked. I want it to be something we can do as a family one day because it's such a fun challenge and there are literally 1000 life metaphors I could come up with that are rock climbing related.

I sat down at this computer just now because there was something specific I needed to do and I seriously forgot what it was. And then in the morning I'll wake up and be annoyed at myself for not getting that done while the girls were sleeping.

I want another baby so bad. I want to be pregnant but also there were moments today when I felt like 2 kids was enough. Jeff always wonders why I always want to have more kids, even though I'm well aware of the challenges that come with a child. The answer is: it's what I'm meant to do. It's what I feel like is my greatest purpose in this life. Shaping human beings, teaching them how to make a positive mark on the world. I push through the hard times and even hope for more because in the end, it's just completely worth it.

Finishing off the night listening to these absolutely amazing talks given at a recent BYU devotional. Filling my cup back up.

"I'm a girl Nephite, momma! Because Nephites can be girls!"

REMEMBER THIS

I told Jeff last night that I am having some serious anxiety over forgetting precious moments, despite the fact that I document probably more than most people. I have a blog, chatbooks, and individual journals for both girls. But there are so many times when Jane or Lyla say or do something hilarious or sweet and I think "I need to write that down" and then within minutes I've forgotten. It is heart-wrenching! But here are a few things I want to remember from this stage of life.

- FIRST OF ALL, THE CURLS! Both of my girls have the prettiest natural curls, this day in particular, and I had to capture it before a wrestling match, deep sleep nap, or a game of blanket peek-a-boo could ruin it.
- The sweet moments when Lyla will allow Jane to hug her. It happened the first time about a week ago when Jane wrapped her arms around her sister and instead of a screaming protest, Lyla laid her head down on jane's chest and let it happen, and then said in her sweet, small little high pitched voicce "yuv you"(!!) Jane looked up at me, bewildered, and said "What the heck mom, she usually HATES this!" It was a major milestone for this sister relationship.
- Every morning I ask the girls what they want for breakfast. I'm not sure why I continue doing this since the answers I get are: Jane- "a hot dog!" or "quesadilla!" And Lyla: "uhhhhhhm, NACK!" (UHHHHM, SNACK!)
- One of their mutual obsessions is picking flowers, in hoards. Specifically dandelions, since they are the only flower that is really available in hoards around these parts. I have bouquets of dandelions on my table most often.
- Lyla will come up to me multiple times a day and request "Fiiii" for high five and then "NUCKO" for knuckles, as she balls her tiny little hand into a fist.
- Jane has hit some major milestones. I feel like I can officially say she is READING. We just got through the first set of BOB books, and she is starting to sound out random words that she sees in books and posters. She learned how to read before she learned how to poop in the toilet but I am so HAPPY, and every fiber of my being is filled with relief, to announce that she finally learned to poop on the potty. I wish I could say I knew what finally clicked- but I honestly have no idea. I'm just grateful!
- Lyla is learning her colors, and I have dubbed Jane as my "teaching assistant." I honestly think she has played a part in Lyla learning a few things. She takes her role very seriously :)
- Just now (like 2 seconds ago) Jane came up to me and asked if I hid her easter candy on top of the microphone. (aka microwave)
- Jane and I are total gamers. Every day during lyla's nap time, she picks out a board game for us to play, and I honestly enjoy it unless it's candyland :) (our favorites are Guess Who, Matching, Spot it, and Enchanted Forest- and I'm excite to grow the game collection for her birthday.)
- - They both love to run (which is what they are doing in these pictures)! Just running back and forth, for fun, as Jane repeatedly shouts "look how fast I am!" They will run back and forth inside our house, and any stretch of grass they find. They both like to run for awhile and then sit down and feel their heart beating fast, as they breathe quite dramatically.
- We love, love, love dance parties in this house. The other day I picked a song, and took turns holding each girl while I twirled them around. It was one of those moments that I was sorely nostalgic for as it was happening. I could already see myself in the future remembering these sweet moments when they were little and their entire world revolved around me. And by the end tears were streaming. Goodness I love them!

^^ feeling her heart beat :)

WE NEED WOMEN

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity." - Margaret Nadault

"We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.”8

We need women who are organized and women who can organize. We need women with executive ability who can plan and direct and administer; women who can teach, women who can speak out. Today, let me add that we need women who know how to make important things happen by their faith and who are courageous defenders of morality and families in a sin-sick world. We need women who are devoted to shepherding God’s children along the covenant path toward exaltation; women who know how to receive personal revelation, who understand the power and peace of the temple endowment; women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly." - Boyd K Packer

THIS is what I want to teach my girls. I also want them to internalize and appreciate the beauty of being a woman; and to recognize that we were created DIFFERENT (not worse, not better, different!) from men and that we have some unique and beautiful things to bring to the table. I will teach them to be strong and to chase their dreams with fierceness; but my deepest desire is that virtue, purity, and kindness will be the foundational characteristics that drive everything they do in life. I'm a feminist in the sense that if I can raise my girls to value themselves and never let a man treat them horribly, then I will count that as an enormous victory. I'm a feminist in the sense that I believe God created us equal, but different. He didn't intend for us to all do the same thing; He meant for us to fulfill different, yet equally important roles. And I'm proud of my womanly roles and attributes. I hope my daughters will be too. 

Now let's address the elephant in the room. Women's March, a frenzy of feminists declaring the injustices that supposedly befall them. I admire women who peaceably stand for what they believe in; but I think it must be said that we live in a country where women have SO many rights and are certainly not living in an oppressed nation. I think we need to take a step back and realize, in AWE, at how far we have come; and let our hearts swell with gratitude. Or we could get out of our own bubbles and visit other countries where women truly ARE oppressed in every sense of the word. I think our lack of gratitude, or even acknowledgment, for the rights we do have is shameful. We can vote, we can run for president, we can go to work or stay at home. We can be equal partners with our husbands, we can support our husbands in their dreams, and we can chase our own. We can do anything. We are the most privileged country in the world, and NO our current president will not be able to single handedly take that away, even if he wanted to, which I don't believe he does. (i.e.) I'm not a huge fan of the guy, but I also don't think he is out to take away women' rights, but that's what the media would have us believe. If you can answer this, please do: Where is the oppression? I feel like there are still female stereotypes (but for every female stereotype, there is a male stereotype) and I don't know how those will ever vanish unless everyone on this earth magically become charitable and christ-like. 

Living a life of gratitude will bring happiness. An entitled attitude does not.

a hodge podge of happenings.

German summers are so incredibly mild. Like 60s and 70s. I actually quite enjoy it most of the time. PERFECT park/walk/run/bike weather. But usually once a week, we get a day warm enough to play in the water! So here you have, a smattering of random moments of our life in the past month.

On the days where the high is 60 and cloudy, we stay home and bake, or ride bikes, or go to the library. A few days ago, Jane and I made some homemade bread and strawberry jam. I never want to forget her pushing a chair from the table into the kitchen and scooting it up to the counter so she could be my "good helper". I let her stir the strawberries with the sugar, and then we put the bowl on the ground to try to give Lyla a turn to stir. Which mostly, to her, was just a turn to taste. We put the bowl back on the counter and finished up the process. Jane's sweet face was glowing with giddiness. In between her giggles, she spilled out the words "I just love you mommy!" I always let her help me in the kitchen but in that moment I realized how much each of us truly cherish that time. It was enough to turn an ornery toddler into a sickly sweet little girl. Just a little bit of jam stirring, and bread kneading (or "spanking the bread" as she calls it). The best mother daughter therapy.

There are few better feelings than the satisfaction I get as I sit down at a table surrounded by each member of my adorable family munching on warm, straight outta the oven bread; drenched in either honey butter or homemade jam. Can't explain it. But it is an experience. One that I hope to repeat many, many times. So I took this opportunity to pull out my camera and snap some bread pics. As odd as that sounds....

We brought a few loaves to some friends, but were sure to save plentyyyyy for ourselves ;)

Believe it or not, we do other things besides take pictures of bread over here....

We take advantage of that warm day a week, and play out in the pool, usually with friends! There is nothing Jane loves more than playing in the water with her friends! I feel so blessed to have so many good friends here (who just so happen to have kids to play with my kids).

How perfect is this little babe pool?

Lyla isn't as excited about the water as her sister. As you can see. UNIMPRESSED.

^^ another day, another friend, another swimsuit. But same jane facial expression that I get about 99 times a day. This is her face that says: uh! how dare that situation no go exactly how I had planned! I blame you, mom! 

^^ and here it is again. How dare I ask to take a picture of that dirt stained face? ha...ha.

Another cool thing that has happened lately: jeff got promoted! This promotion would've happened no matter what since it has to do with how long you've been in the army. (btw, we've survived a year and a half in the army! I would even venture to say: we've thrived.) But he deserves every bit of goodness that comes with the promotion because he is so dang good at what he does. I'm proud of him. His many, many gifts and talents are being put to good use, and he continually amazes me. We often joke about how we could never do each other's jobs. I would have a mental break down after about 1 hour of being in the army, and he would go crazy staying at home all day, everyday. But it works out pretty well because we both LOVE our jobs and together we make a good team!

^^ afterwards, we climbed to the top of this tower and saw some pretty cool views!

^^ jane, and her tag.

love you, jeff!

This is a random, stand alone picture that I took the other day when we went to the bakery for breakfast and enjoyed our freshly baked goods at our favorite park. We were feeling super European so I had to capture the moment.

On saturday, we drove to Pottenstein with our neighbors and good friends. It's such a beautiful place! We actually came here last year, almost exactly a year ago when Lyla was a new, new baby! It brought back some sweet memories. I think it was our first big outing as a family of 4!

^^ jane, and her tag. It's basically a saga.

We bought our tickets and started the tour. 2 minutes in, Lyla started screaming so I walked my butt right back out the way I had just come in and swallowed the cost of my ticket. I hiked around with Lyla for an hour while everyone else saw the caves. And I am not sad about it. I love being in nature. Everything is suddenly all right in the world, and any negative feelings or thoughts that had been brewing are replaced with a renewed sense of gratitude and happiness for my life, and for this beautiful world we live in. I also seem to always receive inspiration when I am outside exploring with no distractions. Here are a few pics I snapped on my little solo excursion. Okay, solo + Lyla ;)

When the others returned from the caves, we decided to go rent some paddle boats, but not before Jane dropped rocks onto her head, repeatedly.

The kids were so delighted to be on the boat, while us adults were less enchanted. We couldn't seem to get over the fact that this little lake was probably more duck poop than it was water. 

^^ you can see all the speckled stuff in this pic. It's allllllll poop. 

^^ My angel. She is so often a refuge for me.

^^ Obsessed with Vivian's curls!!!

Ok, it was a fun little stroll. We all really enjoyed it. I mean, watching your kids enjoy something automatically is enjoyable to you, right? It's the best.

I've gotta start taking picture on sundays again. Because dang my girls are cute. Particularly on sundays ;)

^^ idk why some pictures upload on here and the lighting is so weird. it's totally blogger's fault because it doesn't look like this on my computer. 

^^ Jane, annoyed that Lyla didn't want to be clobbered.

^^ Honestly, it is a miracle Lyla has a little pony tail. She squirms her head in every direction every time I get near her head. So, this pony tail should be greatly appreciated.

^^ one of my new favorites, ever.