feeling things

So I deleted my Facebook but I got on my husband's the other day to send someone a message and the first three posts I saw on his Facebook were pictures of Mommas about to go into labor and/or newborn babies in the hospital.

Yay for them but....TEARS for me! Not of jealousy. Just tears of yearning- for something I thought i had, or was going to have, but was taken away in a quite gruesome manner. A miscarriage is weird. I thought I'd be grievously sad for a couple days and then go on with life. And in a way I have. But in other deeper ways, it's something that will affect me for a long time. I feel like a part of my identity was stripped away because the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was a momma of two. But in a day, that changed. I don't dwell on it or mope around all day about it, but there is a wound in my heart that will probably outstay it's welcome. I mean, it sounds weird- especially since the baby was the size of a raisin and hardly resembled a human.

I can't  explain it but I know a lot of women understand because they have also been through it. Which is sad, but true nonetheless.  However, the fact that so many women go through this doesn't make it any easier. You would think the fact that I KNOW I will have many more children would be the only bandage I need for me to pick myself up off the ground, rub some dirt on it, and move on. And that knowledge certainly does help, but for some reason,  it's not enough to erase the pain of not having THIS baby. The one I felt connected to already.  Whose little heart I saw beating, and who I had already thought of names for. And who was supposed to join our family on February 9th. That won't be a fun day....

I do know that my faith in God's timing has been strengthened. And I also know that I can have true empathy for other women who may go trough this later on. Hopefully my empathy for them can bring them some comfort. I know I'm being refined and it's hard, but I still have a lot to be grateful for. I know that many other people are being refined by trials that are of a much greater intensity than this one. And I'm definitely aware that I have more blessings in my life than I even feel worthy of.

This is  NOT meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post- just one where I am trying to sort out my feelings that even I hardly understand.  When it all comes down to it, this has been rough and I wish it didn't happen. But the bottom line, the very very bottom, is that I have these two. Thank goodness for that!

An Un-Announcement

I had a draft of a blog that I had written for after I announced the pregnancy. It was just mushy mom stuff. Like how I can't wait to hold my new baby and watch him/her stretch it's tiny arms and legs out every time I pick them up. But instead of that post, this.

the little announcement that happened on this blog a mere few days ago was excruciatingly bad timing. If I would have waited four days more, I wouldn't be here UN-announcing my pregnancy.

I had a miscarriage. And it was traumatic and horrible.

So now if y'all are wondering why my tummy isn't getting bigger in the coming months, you now know why.

What a random time for me to announce I'm pregnant, 9 weeks?! Who does that. I've learned my lesson though and will be a little more hesitant to tell the world of what will  hopefully one day be wonderful news again. Wonderful news that sticks and doesn't need to be taken back.

It tricky scary crazy business, the whole miscarriage thing. I would recommend it to  nobody. But I'm so very grateful for the hope that so fervently remains in my heart, as well as my  baby jane who can make me happy in the midst of great loss.

We will be ok.
"The Lord giveth, and The Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of The Lord"

rotten

Painful and surprising family crisis + PMS + husband being gone 24/7 and also leaving all next week + i was finally going to have time with him last night but he ditched me to go to a movie with his friends instead + i ran into everyone in the world today on campus right after i rolled out of bed and braved the outside world thinking i might get lucky and not see anyone i know. but then i actually saw everyone. so, yeah ugly kerri plus i didn't have the stamina to fake any smiles today.

and i just want to go to arizona. also i am so incredibly selfish for even saying any of this and acting like i am the victim. cuz I'm not. i realize I'm doing the opposite of counting my blessings. (and i realize there are many.) and I'm not being a wonderful, positive, and grateful person. let's face it. I'm not that person. not one bit. at least not today.

today is rotten like a rotten egg.

so i'm going to go take a nap.

i hope nobody reads this but it had to be written. I'm thinking about making this blog private anyways, for this very reason.

*EDIT: ALL I NEEDED WAS A NAP.

In the quiet heart is hidden.

I'm thinking about things that make my heart hurt. I'm feeling very inspired by some amazing people who are incredibly resilient in the face of extreme adversity. I'm feeling grateful that my life feels so rich with blessings and I don't know what I did to deserve it. I'm feeling like the movie "Charly" is a sick joke and makes me cry so hard that I can't breathe... because she dies before her baby really knows her and that is the worst thing ever and I need to stop typing about it before I start crying again. (and actually i didn't just watch it...too sad. i haven't watched that movie for years)

Today was a day I took to mourn. This sweet girl I worked with from my hometown who was also in some of my classes died in a tragic accident. I'm not sad for her, because I know she is happier. (she was an angelic human being). But I am aching for her family. A family I've never met. I've been somber and numb all day, but at the same time I have been keenly aware of my loved ones and the blessings they bring to my life. I'm sad for Charly that she didn't get to watch her son grow up (even though "it's just a movie" as jeff would say). I'm heartbroken for any mom who didn't get to watch her kids grow up and any person who didn't grow up with their mother. I'm also grieving for any woman who wants more than anything to bear children, but they aren't able to. I'm crying for my friend whose baby died shortly after she gave birth. I'm sad that usually the condolences and sympathetic words are only extended for a brief period. But these people are suffering for much longer than that brief period. Because, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that they eye can't see." 

 I'm feeling sympathy for my aunt who has faced more adversity than any person should ever face. She has lost a precious son and 3 siblings. The pain she has persevered through is unfathomable to me, truly. I probably think about her every day and sympathize. (because heaven knows i can't have empathy, for I have never experienced such intense pains or circumstances.) Along with sympathy, i marvel at the resiliency of her spirit. That she is able to not only continue to merely survive, but to actually live a Christlike life and be an example to me. To me, her life is a testimony that with the Savior's love and support we can truly do anything. 

I'm feeling like I have a lot to be grateful for. But on days like today, i'm torn between this fervent gratitude and the feeling of acute sensitivity to the pain that others are going through.

This quote I love-  and I pray it will comfort at least one person who is suffering through a seemingly impossible trial:

"When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship.....he will not press upon us more than we can bear." - Neal A. Maxwell. 

Also, this video. and this, and THIS.

4.0

4.0

you see that number?

i know what you are thinking-

but let me stop you right there.

it in no way is a numerical representation of my gpa.

psh. in my dreams.

had you going there for a sec didn’t i?

probably not, actually.

you all should know better than to make such preposterous assumptions.

it is ACTUALLY the level of separation my fiancé and i

are about to (reluctantly) participate in

let me elaborate.

separation 1.0 = we are in different classes on campus

separation 2.0 = we are in different states from each other

separation 3.0 = we are in different countries from each other

separation 4.0 = we are in different countries with little to NO communication possible.

in a few days i will be able to say:

been there, done ALLLL that.

awesome.

one month ago, i could hardly stand separation 1.0

but I am about to endure separation 4.0 at its finest.

finest isn’t the right word though….

whatever is the antonym for finest…that’s the correct word.

6 weeks. no phone calls…maybe skype a couple times

IF the internet in the African internet café is working-

-which is all dependent on how the Nile River is behaving that day.

wow awesome.

never thought the Nile River would have any impact on my love life…

never say never?

the point I am trying to get across is this:

i am not a big fan of separation 4.0.

at all.

it’s going to be really really hard.

but nobody ever said love is easy.

life doesn’t automatically become perfect when you are in love.

but it makes the trials you experience more bearable.

because you have someone who is permanently on your team.

and that is so encouraging.

i am learning- and i am sure i will continue to learn that

love is stronger than pain.

trust me, i will still probably cry a lot

i will probably complain a lot

i will definitely struggle and miss my man like CRAZY

(and my family and friends too- no i didn't forget about you.)

but- this too shall pass.

and true love will always come out on top

{well umm at least in disney movies- good thing my life is a disney movie} 

where am I going you ask?

(yeah right everyone and their mother knows the answer to this hypothetical question)

oh no big deal, just UGANDA!

i leave…like right now!

i will document my adventures and experiences there

again, depending on how bipolar the nile river is.

so stay tuned if you feel so inclined

i know i don't seem super excited, but trust me-

 i feel very blessed to have this opportunity

and I will live it up!

i am SO GRATEFUL to everyone who donated and enabled this trip to happen.

dang, people are just so awesome sometimes!

did i mention i've never even been out of the country before?

and starting tomorrow i'll be traipsing all over this world.

like a world traipsing pro.

it'll be great.

i love you all

and especially you jeff! :)

peace out america.

in the morning

i received some very sad news today.
my aunt's little brother who is about my age passed away unexpectedly.
i have known him since i was little and although we weren't extremely close,
i wrote him a lot on his mission and hung out with him a little since he has been home.
i've had enough interaction with him to know that helping others was his driving force.
my little cousin tyler (who is his nephew) would always talk about how he was his hero.
it touched my heart.
it is cool to see how people can impact other people in such an amazing way.
and it makes me happy to know that he left this world a better place.
still, my heart aches for his loss.
and for his family.
my aunt cheree, his sister, is one of the strongest, most resilient women i know.
she has had 2 other siblings, and one of her own sons pass away.
she has been through more than most of us can even imagine.

yet, this is the status she posted today: one day after her baby brother's death.
and on her birthday

"Thank you all for the many birthday wishes. I will be honest it's been a very rough day. I learned first thing this morning that my little brother died last night. It was very unexpected and my heart is breaking right now. My parents will be coming home from their mission in Lisbon Portugal tomorrow. Please just give prayers in my families behalf. Also, I want everyone in the World to know that I know I will see my brother, my 2 sisters, and my little baby boy again someday! This is not the end! Jesus is the Christ, the redeemer and the Savior of the World! He lives, and so will Greg again someday!"

this is one of the most inspiring things i have ever read.

her heart is breaking. she deserves to be bitter, sad, angry.

but instead she is spreading words of hope and faith.

it brought tears to my eyes

her strength.

i hope one day i can be half the woman she is.

then i looked at something my 15 year old cousin tyler (cheree's oldest son) posted on greg's wall:

"Greg...you are like my older brother, my hero and my friend! I'm so grateful for all of the good times and lessons you have taught me and for being an amazing Uncle. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye, but I know this isn't the end. Tell my brother hi for me, ok?"

now it's a 15 year old boy i am learning from and being inspired by. 

that last line made me bawl....

i am truly humbled.

and it is almost beautiful that it happened on easter- his passing

because we are all extra aware of the resurrection and sacrifice

that Christ performed for us so that we can too be resurrected

and be reunited with all of our loved ones one day.

i am so grateful for the hope that the gospel can bring to our lives

even when the unimaginable happens.

it's so easy to say you believe in the atonement and resurrection and eternal families when things are going well.

it takes someone with unbelievable strength and faith to profess the same things after something so tragic has happened.

this whole experience has really put things into perspective to me.

and helped me realize 

what is truly important, and what is so ridiculously insignificant.

im so grateful for my testimony, my family, and all the people i love.

those are the things i will always cling to in this life.

"His death sealed the testimony of His love for all mankind. His resurrection opened the gates of salvation to the sons and daughters of God of all generations."

and this song...is perfect for this topic.

See You In The Morning by Kenneth Cope. i can't find a link to it but here is my favorite line.

"I'll see you on that morning when i rise and shine...
we'll wake up once again at dawning as if there never was a night
you'll be seeing me, i'll be seeing you...
in the morning."


we love you greg. 
thank you for being a hero and inspiration to many.
and living such a christ like, exemplary life.


and one last quote...


""Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed." -Jeffrey R. Holland"

crying

it's ok to cry

sometimes it is good to cry.

for me, it's better when i am alone.

i can just cry and cry and pretend there is a theatre full of people

watching and crying with me, with sympathy in their hearts.

the thought of that, although absurd, is comforting.

when i cry, i cry alone.

in the shower, my own tears can blend in with the water.

so that the sadness and troubles that my tears represent 

can be washed away the moment they escape me.

it is ok to cry.

even if you feel pathetic.

but then you need to pull yourself together and realize

you aren't the only person who cries.

someone you know is probably crying right now.

many people cried themselves to sleep last night

sometimes with a reason more justified than yours.

so, cry. 

cry your eyes out.

but once you release your sorrows via tears, 

don't forget to open them a little wider

to those struggling all around you.

because they need you.

just like you need them.

if you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else

and during those times you feel that not a single soul can comfort you, remember there is one who can

"Men be careful not to make women weep, for God counts their tears" - Thomas S. Monson

battlefield.

sometimes i feel like the entire world is out to get me.

ie:"wow. she just walked by without saying hello. therefore, everybody hates me."

i think we all feel like that at times.

but when i take the time to really notice those around me, something changes.

everyone is struggling. some people more than others- but everyone is struggling with something.

that girl has an awesome boyfriend. its not fair, her life is perfect.

but did you think- what if she had an abusive one in the past? 

that girl is beautiful. its not fair, her life is perfect.

what if a lustful man has taken advantage of that before and it is her deep, painful secret?

that girl is so smart. its not fair, her life is perfect.

what if she feels lonely because she doesn't have a social life since she spends all her time studying?

do you get the idea?

im sitting to the right of a girl in one class who just
broke off an engagement.

on my left, a girl is writing her missionary whose absence
has left a constant ache in her heart.

in front of me, there is a guy who just returned from a mission
in brazil. it kills him that he may never get to see those people again.

there is a girl walking behind  me on campus who is in

a lot of debt and can't find a job.

there was a girl who visited my ward who, after many years
of searching-finally fell in love and got engaged.
6 weeks before her wedding, her fiance was killed in a car accident. 

there is a lady in my ward whose lifelong dream was
to have lots of kid, but she is unable to bear children-
while everyone around her is able to.

a guy in the library broke his ankle and has to get around campus 

on crutches. it is exhausting and overwhelming.

a girl sitting next to me at the temple is just plain lonely.

when i look around and realize other peoples' problems,

mine don't seem that bad, after all.

i get rid of the 'poor me' attitude

and replace it with 'why would i worry about these petty problems when i can help someone else with theirs?'

im not good at always doing this, dont get the wrong idea.

but the days that i do are always the most beautiful ones

when my heart fills up with love for those around me.

try it sometime. i dare ya.

this life is a battlefield; but it is a lot more bearable when we all become each others' allies.

uncensored confessions.

i want everyone to know who i really am.
because only a few people know who i really am.
my mom, my brother, my friend rachelle...possibly a few others.

it kind of bugs me that the list is so small.
because it is my fault.
a lot of people know, mostly, who i am. just not all the way.
i am just always afraid that people would be overwhelmed with the real me.
but i am beginning to embrace it.

i want my future children to know who their mother really is.
or who she felt like she was at 19
so, if this ramble hasn't already nauseated you- here are some of my confessions
this is me. {and part of me is long winded-ness. so please bear with me as this will be long.}

+ when i am at byu and i see a little kid, my heart smiles so big that i feel like it might just burst. it makes me think of my cousins, and the little kids i babysit and how i love them so much that it hurts. and then i think about how, if i love those kids so much- how much will i love my own kids? its scary to think about.

+ sometimes when i am walking next to random people on campus, i listen to their conversation. usually i get really into it and end up nonchalantly following them, {close enough to hear, but far enough to not creep them out} just to listen to their conversation. even if if is completely out of my way. it is because i love love love hearing about people's lives.

+ when i bear my testimony, i don't cry. i smile. it's really the only thing my face knows how to do when i am talking about the gospel. it just makes me so happy.

+ not many things make me happier than knowing that someone i care about trusts me enough to confide in me.

+ i mean things when i say them. when i ask "how are you?" i am not just awkwardly addressing your existence. i am asking you how you are, and i genuinely would LOVE to know. please tell me. please?

+ almost every conversation at byu has to do with relationships. marriage. engagements. couples. lets find some new things to talk about. because that topic sometimes makes me ache. and i have a lot of other things to talk about.

+ my heart breaks a lot. when this happens, i go to my room, shut the door, write in my journal, listen to this song and this song, say a prayer, read a general conference talk, and then send texts to people i love letting them know i love them. yep. i didn't realize i have a very precise formula for heart mending, but i do.

+ i am going to africa this summer. ONLY for the following reasons: i want to hold the orphan babies and children and help them, with all of the energy of my heart, to feel loved. i want to hug the widows and let them cry on my shoulder. i want to sing songs with them and allow our souls to enmesh and simultaneously feel the joy of life.

+ one of the hardest things in life is handing a baby back to their mother when your turn holding him/her is up.  i can't wait until i'm the mother that people give the baby up to when he/she starts crying.

+ i love blogging. it is a great escape for me. i don't even care if anybody reads it- i have a blog because it is just one more outlet for these ridiculous emotions inside of me.

+ i am not perfect at all. i am impatient, sensitive, and too competitive. {working on it.}one of my favorites quotes is "we must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection"


+ one of my greatest annoyances in life is that there is not enough time to have a long, meaningful conversation with each person you love every single day.

+ when i am having a bad day, i know it is because i am being selfish. so then i try to think about somebody besides myself. it usually cheers me up.

+ i laugh at jokes that most people dont laugh at. out loud, genuine, belly gut laughing. it's my favorite, actually.
like this for example.

i laughed for like 5 minutes. all alone in my room.

+ i play with hair. it's just what i do. do not be alarmed if i touch your hair. just let it happen.

+ music is a huge part of me. if you want to know what my feelings sound like, listen to my iPod.

+ for me, it is very easy to fall in love with someone. it just is.

+ one of my strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. i care too much about people- my close friends, my family, and even those random little friendships- even if they don't think it is important to them, it is to me. that is good sometimes, but it also sucks wayyyy a lot at other times.

+ i get so so so excited about stupid things. everything matters to me.

+ nobody has ever been in love with me. and sometimes i cry about that. but i hope that one guy will come along and make up for it.

+  i think when you say someone has a mental disability, that is code for someone who has an enlarged capacity to love anyone and everything without any restraints, someone who can help alter a person's entire perception of this world- for the better.

+ i've realized that one of the best feelings is when somebody knows who you REALLY are, and loves you anyways. 

ok. im done for now. that was uncensored.
completely me.
are you asleep yet?
i apologize.
some things just need to be set free.
like a kite. or my innermost emotions.

until next time...

Dandelion Seeds Fly Away Everyday.

Ok so nobody reads this blog so I don't even care about trying to be clever or whatever anymore. This is just mostly for me and for my future family to read if they have any desire.

So today I got super excited because I got a letter from my favorite missionary in the whole world.

I might secretly want to marry him...

It has been 2 months since I got a letter which is a really long time for him.

I feel like I just got dumped by a missionary who wasn't even "my missionary"

He might as well have said:

"I really don't care about writing you anymore, this may be the last letter you ever get from me. It was fun getting your hopes up while it lasted..."

Why am I not surprised?

I have discovered that at about 8 or 9 months into a mission, missionaries tend to lose all desire to write letters.

It is good because obviously it means that they are immersed in the work and amazing missionaries.

But it is mostly just depressing to be honest. Especially this time.

Pure joy and excitement turned to that gut wrenching sad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Weird how often that happens to me....

Good bye dandelion seeds. See ya never.

It would be nice...

Don't read this if you are wanting to be entertained. This is just for my sanity's sake.

It's one of my few..maybe my only not-so-happy posts.

Let's remember, I am human. 

Not a fake barbie with a smile plastered on my face for time and all eternity.

If anyone knows me, they know I canNOT bottle anything up.

That's just impossible. It all comes gushing out like an avalanche unless I get it out in a timely manner.

I was just thinking about how it would be nice to go on a date.

A good one though, not one of those dates that just sucks out all your energy (along with your interest)

To just go on a date and... (like Taylor Swift)

Sit on a park bench and think to myself "Hey, isn't this easy?"

It would be nice to be surprised and flattered instead of either:

"what took you so long?" or, my personal favorite--

"well, there are plenty other fish in the sea."

I've had to pull the latter one out frequently in my dating lifetime.

And quite frankly, it's gettin' real old.

ALL the girls in the good movies and good books and good real life stories can find love.

It's SO easy for them. Effortless.

All those girls are chased and convinced by their true love.

And yes, that DOES happen in real life.

But not all the time...

And not to everybody.

You know how the guy always falls for the girl in the book?

He always describes how this one particular trait of hers-

the one that takes his breath away every single time he looks at her.

the one that strikes him the first time he ever saw her and makes him feel like he never had before.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Wanna know something that wouldNOT be nice? Guys who:

--are so freaking shallow that once they meet your friend who is prettier, you're as good as dead.

--think that once you leave for two months... you're also as good as dead.

{And they can go ahead and mack on the first female that waltzes their way.}

yeah sure- that's totally fine thanks for asking!

--or who thinks he can write you love poems where the word love actually means "I just want to be friends." {excuse me for not knowing that, kind sir}

 Yeah, it would be nice to NOT meet those guys.

Oops. Too late.

All I know is, people who do have love- shouldn't take it for granted.

I know I wouldn't.

All or Nothing

I just finished reading a book that really pulled at my heart strings.
                     "Magic Hour" by Kristin Hannah. Highly recommended.
There was a scene in it that I loved so much.. I feel like I can really relate to this character {Julia}.
So let me just set the scene up for you. Julia is a middle aged psychiatrist who has had a pretty lonely life. Very loyal and devoted to whatever she does/whoever she loves. Max is about the same age, single, and has a passion for rock climbing... He is extremely handsome is dangerous since he is known for his non commital, one-night-standish tendencies.

This is a conversation between them that I feel is frame worthy.
{Or blog worthy when a frame is lacking.}

Julia: "I don't know how romantic I am, but I only know one way to love."
Max: "How's that?"
Julia: "All the way."
Max: "That's dangerous"
Julia: "Says the rock climber. When you climb, you risk your life. When I love, I risk my heart. It's ALL or nothing."

Isn't that the way we should all love? All or nothing? Well I used to think that's how all people love. All the way. I figured since that's how I love, it must be how everyone loves. I've discovered that this isn't necessarily true. To me {and Julia}, it is worth the risk.

When I read a good book, it's the same way. All or nothing. I become completely immersed.
It's nice to be able to step away from real life for a short time.
And slightly depressing when I turn the last page and realize it's time to step back in.
I feel sad. Almost a homesick sort of feeling. And I wish it wasn't all just a story.
It's like waking up from an amazing dream.

Another part of this boook that I LOVED was an excerpt from the children's story The Velveteen Rabbit. This is a story that Julia reads to a little girl named Alice. It's one of those books that seems like a normal children story, but it reveals truths about life that are usually unsaid and that we try to hide- but are planted deeply in each of us.

"Real isn't how you are made." said the Skin Horse.
"It's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit
"Sometimes" said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.


For me, whether it's a person, a place, a job, a belief, a book, a movie- I'm always fully invested.
it will ALWAYS be: All or Nothing. 
Even if it hurts sometimes.

Song of the day: All or Nothing by O-Town

Remembering.

Sometimes you don't get over things.

No matter how ridiculous they seem.

Sometimes your head says "NO!" while your heart screams "YES!"

And you can't help it.

Sometimes the same memories run through your head. Every. Single. Day.

But those same memories do not cross anyone else's mind. Ever.

Sometimes, remembering sucks.

You love, and love, and love. Falling out of this does not exist in your world.

Sometimes you don't think it is bearable.

and you feel like this:

But then you remember you have happy medicine.

Happy medicine saves lives. All the time. Everyday.

There are different types. First is reading the scriptures or the words of the prophets. Truly-- chicken noodle soup for the soul. You see the big picture and remember that "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" {D&C 18:10} {and YOU are one of those souls} and that is ALL THAT MATTERS. Then there is music. Pure JOY and bliss and every happy word in the dictionary that just fills you up, almost like getting your batteries recharged {this scripture does similar things: Mosiah 4:27}. Then there is running. Running requires breathing hard. Inhaling and exhaling. Did you ever stop to think why this is? It is because you are exhaling the pain and inhaling the beauty and goodness that you tend to occasionally overlook. Quite convenient. There is more medicine too. People. If you stop thinking about your own pain, and focus on THEM and serve them...suddenly your problems are nonexistent. Poof. Gone. Magic. {so, does this mean Harry Potter does exist?-- ugh i wish.} It means that Heavenly Father exists and He will always love you. He's looking out for you. The only guy will who will always be there for you and love you unconditionally. All the happy medicine is proof of that. 

This is all completely hypothetical...of course. 


Ok so back to the non-hypothetical ramblings...my song of the day is. Drumroll please...
Lovely Obsession by Caleb Blood {this color denotes a link if you haven't figured that out yet...so that makes YOU a click away from listening}