another one

so i had this great surprise for my parents and jeff's parents for christmas. i took some pictures and was going to print or send them to them on christmas. the fact that i was able to keep this secret from my mom was a feat for sure, but the thought of her getting so excited on christmas morning made it worth it. we were getting excited to welcome another baby in july. i had the exact same due date as i had with lyla, exactly 2 years later. i was thrilled, jeff was tolerant about it, lyla coincidentally learned to say the word "baby" the same week i learned i was pregnant, jane was so excited and started to play with her baby doll A LOT more. she would also pretend to give birth and walk around with the baby under her shirt, "pregnant like mommy!" she would say. she would wake up from a nap and say "mom while i was taking a nap my baby was born from my tummy!" needless to say she was excited and in full on preparation mode. meanwhile, i was feeling small bouts of nausea and sciatic pain; but other than that i was off scotch free and wondering what i did to earn such an easy pregnancy. in the back of my mind i was worried, of course. i reasoned that i was just overly cautious and traumatized from my last miscarriage. anyways, the weeks went on and christmas was getting closer. 2 days before i could finally spill the news, i got my own news. this baby, this gift i was given, was being taken away. one present i did not want to open early. the signs started to appear and i kept justifying. "spotting is normal!" i said. "I could just have cramps because i'm hungry...."

no. i had another one. a miscarriage. so 4 times pregnant and 2 to show for it. but oh how i love those TWO. i've never treasured them more than i did today. i've felt a keen sense of gratitude for the children i have here with me. and simultaneously so, so sad as i mourn the loss of that newborn baby i was already daydreaming about. another little babe to add to our family; i was nervous for a third but more excited than anything. the nurse scrunched her nose when she said "congratulations....or, i mean, is it a good thing?" as she saw how full my hands already were. "YES! I'm happy!" i said, and i know i could never feel anything but happiness at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. it goes against my very nature to resent something so miraculous and beautiful.


i feel bad that i told jane so early on because that meant i had to go in and explain to her that our baby wasn't going to come live with us anymore. she sweetly and sadly protested this until i had firmly convinced her that it was so and, try as i might, there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening. she's strong and resilient and made my day so much brighter when she ran up randomly, hugged me, and said "you have been SUCH a fantastic momma to me today. and that means you're beautiful." one of those days when my children nurtured me in the ways i needed just as much as i nurtured them (or more so!).

christmas eve, kind of a sad day to have miscarriage. but a good day too, because i could be distracted by happy christmas stuff all day long. having family in town softens the blow and buoys me up. my husband has been a nervous helicopter around me and makes sure i'm eating, drinking, taking vitamins, and resting enough. poor husbands have no idea how to console their wives when things like this happen; i know he's not alone in this. but hugging me through the tears and showing concern is good enough for me.

it's sad. really sad. i wanted that baby. but i can't complain for long because before i even finish forming the "poor me" thought in my mind, it jumps to all the things i'm profoundly grateful for.

these pictures are no longer applicable but since they are adorable, they must be shared.

look how little...

look how little she was...just a little less than three months ago.
sigh
that was the best day of my life.

and this is what cloud nine looks like.
everyday with her is wonderful...
and I'm going to get weird looks through the computer screen,
but I'm already so excited to do it all over again and again and again.
and to bring more special spirits into this world.
there is just nothing like it.
nothing more fulfilling.
nothing more hard
nothing more happy
nothing more rewarding.



(ok besides marriage, but i only plan on doing that once)

:)

hey guess what, my life is NOT over.

1. "WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?!?!"

2. "no...my sister did that and wished she hadn't"

3. "what about getting an education?"

4. "no, no...you should travel the world first!"

5. "that is detrimental to a marriage! you need time to have fun and get to know each other"

6. "you can never go back, so take your time!"

these are just a few of the remarks i've received from people in the past year after they found out that jeff and i...we wanted children. and we didn't really want to wait.

i realize it's different for everyone and each couple should decide for themselves when the right time is. the point of this post is to explain why we chose what we chose...and to also explain that having children early is really not the death sentence some people make it out to be.

flashback to when we were newly engaged.

 this is a very special story to me and i want to always remember it. 

 i told jeff i wanted to wait a bit before having kids and i needed to talk to him about birth control...he brushed it off and said we would talk about it later. well, that day, something strange happened. i had a conversation with a pregnant friend of mine. and afterwards it hit me: Im going to get pregnant soon after i get married. that thought made me happy, not overwhelmed. peaceful, not stressed out. and it just felt right. like a warm chocolate chip cookie with a glass of cold milk at the end of a long day. mmm :)

4 hours later, we sat down to talk and jeff said:

"kerri...ive been thinking about the whole birth control thing. and i think..." (dramatic pause)

this really was a dramatic pause because while it was happening this was what was going on in my head: 

"we need to have a baby, we need to have a baby!"

end of dramatic pause. then he said, matter-of-factly:

"we should have a baby."

we both knew what he meant by that. because we both felt it. not only should we have a baby, but we should do it as soon as we could. this was what the Lord wanted us to do. the thought of that daunted me only days before, yet suddenly it was the most perfect solution i could ever think up. i remember the spirit i felt after he said those words. it was as if the child we just decided to have was smiling down on us, waiting eagerly to join our family. i felt completely prepared to take a giant leap of faith.

fast forward 5 months (only one month after our wedding), i peed on a stick and revealed to me was the  happiest news i'd ever received. i was pregnant! :)

of course there were many who were excited and supportive, but the overwhelming majority of people had reactions and comments similar to the ones at the beginning of this post. so what i'd like to do now is address each of those comments/questions that were spouted off at me at different times. ya know, now that i have a baby i feel entitled to do so.

1. "WHAT? ARE YOU SURE?!?!"

yes. I'm sure. and you asking me that question incredulously with a bewildered look on your face will not change my mind, thanks.

2. "no...my sister did that and wished she hadn't"

well I'm not your older sister. and that is sad. but i do not plan on regretting my children.

seriously...i highly doubt i will ever regret this.

uhm....impossible.

3. "what about getting an education?"

I'm still planning on graduating from college...yes i know it will be hard, but in the grand scheme of things- bringing my child into this world when she is supposed to come is worth a year of sacrifice to me. and i know it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to grow spiritually and mentally. yes, my daughter will come first and i will most likely not get straight A's (i've never even done that anyways), but i will finish school because that is important to me, and i can have something to fall back on if i ever need to provide for my family. however, i feel that the most vital role i will ever play is a mother, not a student. i believe that motherhood "...is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for" - via (this talk perfectly describes how i feel about having children)

4. "no, no...you should travel the world first!"

who says you can't travel the world with your children? there are valuable life lessons that one can only learn from going different places, seeing different things and different cultures. i want to watch my child's face light up when they are able to see these new things, i want to watch as their ungrateful attitude changes once they see how fortunate they are compared to others in this world. i want to help instill in them an acceptance and love of all people. that can't happen as effectively by just showing them pictures of places her dad and i went before they even existed. 

..that's how i look at it. yes it would be awesome to travel with just my husband, but in my opinion it will be just as awesome, or more so, to do it with our children.

5. "that is detrimental to a marriage! you need time to have fun and get to know each other"

ok. the first 5 months of our marriage were not always fun. they were hard. because i was a sick pregnant zombie wife. I'm sure my husband second guessed his decision to marry me. i was SO lame. that was a hard trial for us, but we got through it and are stronger because of it. and the latter half of my pregnancy we had so much fun! happier and stronger and more in love than ever :) oh, and pretty sure we definitely got to know each other. the good, the bad, and the ugly.. 9 months really is a long time!

(...yucky iPhone quality)

and guess what....just because we have a baby, does not mean the fun abruptly stops. we have had so much fun since jane has been born. we have taken her to parties and shown her off to our gushing friends. we go to game nights and carry on playing and laughing just as we always have- only this time with a precious bundle of perfection curled up on my chest. we take her on walks and are entertained by her little sighs, grunts, and yawns. (and jeff says things he has never said before on a walk, such as: "I'm so happy, i think I'm going to cry") i bring her to jeff's frisbee games and introduce her as the newest and littlest cheerleader. he calls all his friends over and proudly proclaims with a grin spreading across his face: "this is my baby!" life is more fun than it ever has been. and all she can do is sleep, eat, and poop. oh, and be freaking adorable. i can only imagine how much more fun it will be once she starts becoming a real person and developing a little personality. 

6. "you can never go back, so take your time!"

ever since jane has been here, the love jeff and i have for each other has exploded. it is unreal how much our love and appreciation for each other has grown. we look at each other in a different light now. not only is jeff the love of my life, but the father of our sweet daughter. and don't even get me started on the love that we have for the little person we created together. i truly believe that having a baby together can solidify and strengthen a marriage like absolutely nothing else can. it brings you more joy than you thought possible. yeah, you can never go back. but guess what? we don't want to. raising our daughter together so far has been exhilarating and easily the best experience of our lives. 

we are so happy that we didn't delay this incomprehensible joy.(have i used the word joy enough yet??)

so. there you have it. 

i have a baby.

as it turns out, she is the opposite of an insta-fun-sucker

and believe it or not, my life is NOT over.

it is just beginning :)

it ain't over til the fat lady sings!

yes.

i am the fat lady, officially.

{the last picture in this post will prove it}

and the thing that isn't over is christmas.

because i haven't blogged about it, 

nor started singing.

but by the end of this post, i assure you i will be singing.

christmas is just so good.

it warms your soul.

especially this year, because we were in texas!

 even though it was my first christmas away from home,

i loved spending time with my awesome in-laws!

{which includes 25 people. 10 of which are children 5 and under.}

we didn't exactly have a white christmas..almost the opposite.

but i was sure okay with it :)

wanna see what we were doing on christmas eve?

doesn't get better than sunshine and little kids in undies!

CHRISTMAS. isn't it great?

remember how magical it was when you were a child?

the little tickle in your tummy you get as you lay out the cookies and milk,

only after acting out the nativity

and having a delicious feast.

all in honor of the most important birth in the history of the world. 

oh i love it.

i love it even more when children are involved.

when the night before christmas,

they jump up and down with excitement when they open the window 

and hear santa's sleigh bells...

and possibly even a quick glimpse of his reindeer flying through the sky...;)

no but really, can this possibly be any cuter??

and also when i get to watch 10 gleaming eyes

coming down the stairs christmas morning,

soon after hearing the precious shrieks of joy that inevitably follow.

the spirit of giving is thick in the air.

thick and happy and contagious.

we opened presents for a good 3 hours. 

and i'd say everyone was happy.

i just cant wait to have children of my own on christmas, its so fun to see kids so happy!

even our little one got a little somethin' somethin'

yes, little boy booties. 

everyone just thinks it's a boy, its fine.

somebody has got to balance out all the cute little girls in tutus! :)

christmas is also fun when you have a husband to celebrate with

for the first time. 

 here are the two pictures that will forever document our first christmas together

and our last christmas where it will be just the two of us.

we both got pretty spoiled this year from our families.

i got this and this and this

as well as some home-made gifts that made me feel so loved and happy

{thanks ali, and steph!}

jeff got this and this

plus a bunch of other awesome little things

I LOVE HIM!

can you imagine how exciting it must have been to live in the time when Christ was born?

for those who believed, for the wisemen, for the shepherds, for mary and joseph-

the anticipation for his birth for those people may even rival the excitement of little children on christmas eve.

it makes sense that this emotion is so heavily embedded into this holiday

which is the celebration of one of the most exciting things that has ever happened.

i am so grateful for His birth!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

now after all that talk of birth, it got me thinking about how i will be the one giving birth in a couple months

{okay, 5 months}

and this picture proves it!

 look at THAT baby bump!

it is the first one i've showed my mom where she didn't reply

"kerri, you are just sticking out, but nice try!"

17 weeks pregnant. almost halfway, baby!

and guess what.

im STILL sick.

it's kind of just becoming a way of life now, so it's fine.

a couple more updates:

+ overall weight gain is 3 pounds.

+ instead of having no appetite, i basically am just always hungry now. so weird how it totally flip flopped

+ my baby is now 5 1/2 inches long. like a baked potato or something

+ i still think it is a boy, as does everybody else- but i don't find out for sure for another 3 weeks

+ there is not a single pregnancy symptom that i do not experience daily- my body goes the whole 9 yards. 

such a dang over achiever...

+ i finally bought some maternity clothes. not quite any maternity jeans. 

do any of you experienced pregnant women have any suggestions as to where to get them? 

all the ones i've tried on have been ridiculously unflattering.

+ i should start FEELING my baby any day now! i am beyond excited for this!

so, i {the fat lady} am singing now.

and now that i have blogged about christmas

IT is officially over.

hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

news

the big news is that the url for my blog

is no longer accurate.

awkward

guess we will just have to deal with that,

and let my maiden name live in infamy.

let me emphasize the maiden part

meaning, i have a brand spanking new last name.

because i am a married woman! :)

it is so fun, i absolutely LOVE married life.

right now I'm just sitting at a cute little table in our kitchen

im blogging, jeffrey is face booking.

just us, together, sitting in silent contentment.

sounds pretty lame but little moments like this

are still very exciting to me, to us.

we are still in the process of unpacking our stuff.

and even though there is nowhere near enough room in our apartment

for all our stuff, we still need more!

life is expensive, man!

but so fun when you are married :)

and my little confession for today:

i think its kinda cute to be poor and in love.

so here is a picture of us

experiencing the most surreal moment that 

is possible for a human being to experience.

yeah, so in love.

some of our favorite little ones :)

so, basically this day could not have been any better. 

i will hopefully get more pictures soon

these are just pictures from my awesome sister in law.

later, the honeymoon.

we went on a cruise to catalina island and ensenada mexico.

we had loads of fun

except for my hair went WACKO because of the humidity.

and i forgot to bring a ponytail....

wow that was misery at its finest.

but the love high we were on made me forget about it most of the time.

we milked the free room service for all it was worth, 

traipsed around some foreign places,

got rocked and occasionally dizzy from the ginormous floatation device we were living on,

went to fancy shows and dinners, 

and.......some other stuff. :)

so the honeymoon was like heaven.

and as we were walking off onto the land

i said "we are literally walking into real life right now"

we wondered what our first trial or little hardship would be together

and figured it would happen rather soon.

well, we were right...we just didn't know how soon.

we get back to our car and realize our window was accidentally rolled all the way down

for the whole 4 days

{jeff married a brilliant woman}

we looked inside the car-

it looked like a hurricane had made a special visit exclusively to the inside of our car.

there was dirt everywhere

papers, books, and everything were torn and scattered everywhere.

we expected that we were robbed...

but looked and ALL of our valuable things were still there.

what the heck?!

well, the more we looked, the more clues we got that led us to believe

that it was a raccoon with a 2 sneaky sharp paws in the honda

{ya know, like in clue? I'm funny.}

and after even more impressive detective work,

we realized it was an entire of family of raccoons

that made themselves at home in our car.

AWESOME. 

i love raccoon hair

and raccoon poop

and raccoon footprints

and raccoon pee

and nasty raccoon rabies.

i will admit i was kinda laughing...

until i saw they downed our entire bag of swedish fish

{because 3 huge bags of chips, a bag of crackers, and a box of chocolates wasn't enough}

not cool, nasty little devils. 

needless to say, jeff and i are not huge fans of raccoons anymore,

they will always have a notorious reputation in our minds.

so that was our first life experience together in real life.

fun right?

safe and sound

it's the middle of the night
 one of my kids wakes up from having bad dreams
  comes stumbling anxiously into my bedroom

and starts crying in my arms
scared and sad and confused and tired
seeking comfort and love
i will wrap them up in my arms
wake my husband up
and make him sing this song with me to him/her

i hope it will make them feel better
and know that they are safe and sound

such a tender song.
i really like this cover of it.

BLISS

Ok so I was bummed to start off this weekend.

Because I was supposed to go to Cheyenne and go boating and see my grandparents!

I really wanted to do both of those things. 

My Grandma Rogers is one of my favorite people of all time by the way.

Literally the MOST charitable person I have EVER met.

She makes everyone feel like serving them is the highlight of her life.

Me and all my cousins call her Cutie Gramma- she is just so cute!

But I managed to still have a fabulous weekend despite the previous disappointment.

My aunt and uncle Micah and Tiffani came to visit. 

They have 6 little kids- which makes for a grand total of 13 little cousins to spend time with.

Since 7 of them already live here.

I love my cousins more than I can say. They make me so happy!

So on saturday I painted the nails of 7 little girls.

That is 70 fingers/toes, my friends!

Which is basically 3/4 of 100--

Moral of the story- lots of fingers!

Oh did I mention all my cousins are models?

I feel awkward being related to them because they are just so good looking!

Here are their proud fingers:

Paige

Megan and Becca. If you can't tell the sun was bright. What a brilliant photographer I am.

Jenna :)

Elaena's toes

cant see her toes but they are painted. her cuteness just trumps the lack of feet in the picture.

Haley got her nails painted also but I somehow didn't get a picture of that. Which is weird because she is one of those type of girls who would be content to just pose in front of a camera for hours.

Anyways. We all went to the Lifetime pool and raced on the slides. Hannah came with me too and we got some sun :) Then we went to the rock wall. Wow. My arms are jelly. Literally- I couldn't even open my car door I was so weak. I have gained a new appreciation for Jellyfish. And for people who are good at rock climbing.

Then I took 6 of the girls to get slushies at sonic. Happy hour is the best part of the day. I got 7 slushies for $3.54. Sometimes, happiness does come cheap.

How presh. I feel like a nasty dog compared to all those beautiful girls though!

Once again. The sun was giving our eyes special attention.

Hannah is not my cousin but I brought her along anyways :)

I had a wonderful weekend. I love my life. 

And in the spirit of sunday, watch this amazing slideshow/song.

Clever

I LOVE and/or MISS some people. And I will tell you who those people are. But not just straight up.

I will attempt to do this in a poetic, creative, clever, and artistic- not artistic in a crazy bite off my own ear kind of way, just the regular- way.
I will use code names that are somewhat relevant to each person. Some people will get it.
Others will not be as fortunate.
Wouldn't it be funny if you were one of the people and couldn't figure out your own code name. Ha. ha. ha. I'm laughing at you.
Comment on this post if you can figure some or all out and ill give youa secret prize. So secret, that I will not reveal to you at this time. Some are easier than others, I will admit to that. Also there is one more thing that may make things easier for you. There will be clues. Each code name will be a link to a song/video that reminds me of that person. That may or may not make it easier :)

 Ready. Set. Go.

Red Platypus

Sliced Bread

Pooter

Black Mexican

Lovey

Low Low

Buff Jamaican

Ariel
Blunder
Fleesfromdanger
Crippled
 Dot Dot

BARNYARD!

Boosky
Bundy

CutieGram
MarathonMon(m) 

Nasty...Honey Badger

African Partner

GeoPal

Cats
Serranos&WildWings

Camoulflage
Yach 

QT

CasperGram

There is definitely more but that's all for now. :) I wish I was better at staying in touch with people. I really am not. Just know I love you and miss you if you are far away from me.

So anyways, my life has been hectic lately. Full of working, great heights, and red eyes.

I worked 53 hours this week. And that's even after I got sent home from work early twice.

And got a babysitting cancellation.
Thank goodness though for sundays. And the gospel. And reading General Conference Talks. 

This week won't be much different work wise. Wahoo.

If only money wasn't worth it. 

That sounded prideful and materialistic. 

I should be saying:

If only going to my dream school, and my dream vacation next summer wasn't worth it.

Alas, it is. Which is why I miraculously have endured and will continue to endure this rigorousness.

Actually, I will ENJOY it.

After all, Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. - Gordon B. Hinckley

I have great co-workers up on Pikes Peak.

And awesome people to meet from ALL over the world.

And sweet little children to babysit in all the other free pockets of time.

I will elaborate on these things later.

Life is lacking sleep, social life, free time, and a balanced diet. But I am happy :)

Song of the Day: The Gambler by Fun

LATER 

GOALS.

You know what they say...

A goal isn't a goal until you've written it down.

So I have lifetime goals, yes. but let me just start with my goals for this summer.
1. Run 4 days a week.
2. Earn between $5500-$6000
3. Make at least three new friends.
4. number 4 is a secret and sorta dumb. kiss a boy.
5. Eat Healthier.

6. Finish four conference edition Ensigns
7. Cherish the moments

Now my goals for the rest of my life...
1. Graduate college with MORE than an Mrs. degree ;)
2. Get married in the temple to the man of my dreams.
3. Become a mom (most important goal by far)
4. Become a Speech Pathologist
5. Go to Africa
6. Be a program director for an organization in Y Serve
7. Be an EFY counselor
8. Get a 100% on a test that isn't a religion class.
9. Run a half marathon
10. Exercise at least 3 times a week.
11. Graduate college out of debt.

12. Send my boys on missions and all my children to be married in the temple.

13. To go on a mission with my husband to the place where he served his mission as a young lad.

14. To always take pictures/journal/blog and preserve memories the best I can

15. Start a non-profit organization {even if it is really small, just as long as it can help other people}

16. Always pray and study the scriptures/conference talks

17. Make a bucket list with whoever I marry
18. Cherish the moments

I will update you on the completion or lack thereof of my summer goals as well as my other life goals. But I am very determined. :)

Song of the day: Sunshine in My Sky by Kate Veogele :)

LATER.

A Secret Dream

Ok so i have a few dreams. Secret ones.
{well after i write this it won't be secret anymore, will it? Good observation}

One of them is to have one of these.

  I'm not really materialistic.

But this is one of the few things that I really want. Bad.

I don't know why but I've always wanted one of these in the front of my house. 

Or the back. Either one.

I just feel like a swing like this would be a memory vortex.

I can picture me and my future husband as newlyweds. 

Sitting on it and counting the stars.

And pointing out constellations.

{I hope I know more constellations than him}

I can picture two of my future little kids swinging on it.

And singing songs to each other.

I can imagine fretting over my first gray hair.

While looking out the window and seeing my oldest daughter.

With her high school sweetheart swinging away in blissful contentment.

And I can see me and my love sitting hand in hand.

Talking about how crazy our life together has been.

And being way past the point of worrying about a single gray hair.

Because now our heads are full of it.

I don't even bother dying it anymore.

Because my husband tells me he thinks my gray hair is lovely.

And then I will touch the veins that are popping out in his hands.

{Yeah that is weird, but I'll most definitely do that}

There will be a lot more that will happen on my dream swing.

It'll be exciting to see what those things will be.

Ahh. The possibilities.

-LATER.

A Boy Brought Me Flowers!

Ok...so what if he is 4 years old (if that). And yeah, maybe he did pick them off of the neighbor's tree. Who cares if he can't say his R's resulting in a pronunciation of my name that is almost not recognizable: kewwi wogoes? What's it to ya? I'm not going to let a couple years...a couple feet....a couple dollars...OR a couple of silly letters in the alphabet steal my thunder. A boy brought me flowers and that's all that really matters. :)

P.S. Men: (I highly doubt anyone of that gender even read this, but just in case), I'd recommend getting tips from this cute boy James :) He knows how it's done. 

LATER