Sunday, December 25, 2016

another one

so i had this great surprise for my parents and jeff's parents for christmas. i took some pictures and was going to print or send them to them on christmas. the fact that i was able to keep this secret from my mom was a feat for sure, but the thought of her getting so excited on christmas morning made it worth it. we were getting excited to welcome another baby in july. i had the exact same due date as i had with lyla, exactly 2 years later. i was thrilled, jeff was tolerant about it, lyla coincidentally learned to say the word "baby" the same week i learned i was pregnant, jane was so excited and started to play with her baby doll A LOT more. she would also pretend to give birth and walk around with the baby under her shirt, "pregnant like mommy!" she would say. she would wake up from a nap and say "mom while i was taking a nap my baby was born from my tummy!" needless to say she was excited and in full on preparation mode. meanwhile, i was feeling small bouts of nausea and sciatic pain; but other than that i was off scotch free and wondering what i did to earn such an easy pregnancy. in the back of my mind i was worried, of course. i reasoned that i was just overly cautious and traumatized from my last miscarriage. anyways, the weeks went on and christmas was getting closer. 2 days before i could finally spill the news, i got my own news. this baby, this gift i was given, was being taken away. one present i did not want to open early. the signs started to appear and i kept justifying. "spotting is normal!" i said. "I could just have cramps because i'm hungry...."

no. i had another one. a miscarriage. so 4 times pregnant and 2 to show for it. but oh how i love those TWO. i've never treasured them more than i did today. i've felt a keen sense of gratitude for the children i have here with me. and simultaneously so, so sad as i mourn the loss of that newborn baby i was already daydreaming about. another little babe to add to our family; i was nervous for a third but more excited than anything. the nurse scrunched her nose when she said "congratulations....or, i mean, is it a good thing?" as she saw how full my hands already were. "YES! I'm happy!" i said, and i know i could never feel anything but happiness at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. it goes against my very nature to resent something so miraculous and beautiful.

i feel bad that i told jane so early on because that meant i had to go in and explain to her that our baby wasn't going to come live with us anymore. she sweetly and sadly protested this until i had firmly convinced her that it was so and, try as i might, there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening. she's strong and resilient and made my day so much brighter when she ran up randomly, hugged me, and said "you have been SUCH a fantastic momma to me today. and that means you're beautiful." one of those days when my children nurtured me in the ways i needed just as much as i nurtured them (or more so!).

christmas eve, kind of a sad day to have miscarriage. but a good day too, because i could be distracted by happy christmas stuff all day long. having family in town softens the blow and buoys me up. my husband has been a nervous helicopter around me and makes sure i'm eating, drinking, taking vitamins, and resting enough. poor husbands have no idea how to console their wives when things like this happen; i know he's not alone in this. but hugging me through the tears and showing concern is good enough for me.

it's sad. really sad. i wanted that baby. but i can't complain for long because before i even finish forming the "poor me" thought in my mind, it jumps to all the things i'm profoundly grateful for.

these pictures are no longer applicable but since they are adorable, they must be shared.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet babe... I think it's good you write about it to help with the mourning process.



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