another one

so i had this great surprise for my parents and jeff's parents for christmas. i took some pictures and was going to print or send them to them on christmas. the fact that i was able to keep this secret from my mom was a feat for sure, but the thought of her getting so excited on christmas morning made it worth it. we were getting excited to welcome another baby in july. i had the exact same due date as i had with lyla, exactly 2 years later. i was thrilled, jeff was tolerant about it, lyla coincidentally learned to say the word "baby" the same week i learned i was pregnant, jane was so excited and started to play with her baby doll A LOT more. she would also pretend to give birth and walk around with the baby under her shirt, "pregnant like mommy!" she would say. she would wake up from a nap and say "mom while i was taking a nap my baby was born from my tummy!" needless to say she was excited and in full on preparation mode. meanwhile, i was feeling small bouts of nausea and sciatic pain; but other than that i was off scotch free and wondering what i did to earn such an easy pregnancy. in the back of my mind i was worried, of course. i reasoned that i was just overly cautious and traumatized from my last miscarriage. anyways, the weeks went on and christmas was getting closer. 2 days before i could finally spill the news, i got my own news. this baby, this gift i was given, was being taken away. one present i did not want to open early. the signs started to appear and i kept justifying. "spotting is normal!" i said. "I could just have cramps because i'm hungry...."

no. i had another one. a miscarriage. so 4 times pregnant and 2 to show for it. but oh how i love those TWO. i've never treasured them more than i did today. i've felt a keen sense of gratitude for the children i have here with me. and simultaneously so, so sad as i mourn the loss of that newborn baby i was already daydreaming about. another little babe to add to our family; i was nervous for a third but more excited than anything. the nurse scrunched her nose when she said "congratulations....or, i mean, is it a good thing?" as she saw how full my hands already were. "YES! I'm happy!" i said, and i know i could never feel anything but happiness at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. it goes against my very nature to resent something so miraculous and beautiful.


i feel bad that i told jane so early on because that meant i had to go in and explain to her that our baby wasn't going to come live with us anymore. she sweetly and sadly protested this until i had firmly convinced her that it was so and, try as i might, there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening. she's strong and resilient and made my day so much brighter when she ran up randomly, hugged me, and said "you have been SUCH a fantastic momma to me today. and that means you're beautiful." one of those days when my children nurtured me in the ways i needed just as much as i nurtured them (or more so!).

christmas eve, kind of a sad day to have miscarriage. but a good day too, because i could be distracted by happy christmas stuff all day long. having family in town softens the blow and buoys me up. my husband has been a nervous helicopter around me and makes sure i'm eating, drinking, taking vitamins, and resting enough. poor husbands have no idea how to console their wives when things like this happen; i know he's not alone in this. but hugging me through the tears and showing concern is good enough for me.

it's sad. really sad. i wanted that baby. but i can't complain for long because before i even finish forming the "poor me" thought in my mind, it jumps to all the things i'm profoundly grateful for.

these pictures are no longer applicable but since they are adorable, they must be shared.

feeling things

So I deleted my Facebook but I got on my husband's the other day to send someone a message and the first three posts I saw on his Facebook were pictures of Mommas about to go into labor and/or newborn babies in the hospital.

Yay for them but....TEARS for me! Not of jealousy. Just tears of yearning- for something I thought i had, or was going to have, but was taken away in a quite gruesome manner. A miscarriage is weird. I thought I'd be grievously sad for a couple days and then go on with life. And in a way I have. But in other deeper ways, it's something that will affect me for a long time. I feel like a part of my identity was stripped away because the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was a momma of two. But in a day, that changed. I don't dwell on it or mope around all day about it, but there is a wound in my heart that will probably outstay it's welcome. I mean, it sounds weird- especially since the baby was the size of a raisin and hardly resembled a human.

I can't  explain it but I know a lot of women understand because they have also been through it. Which is sad, but true nonetheless.  However, the fact that so many women go through this doesn't make it any easier. You would think the fact that I KNOW I will have many more children would be the only bandage I need for me to pick myself up off the ground, rub some dirt on it, and move on. And that knowledge certainly does help, but for some reason,  it's not enough to erase the pain of not having THIS baby. The one I felt connected to already.  Whose little heart I saw beating, and who I had already thought of names for. And who was supposed to join our family on February 9th. That won't be a fun day....

I do know that my faith in God's timing has been strengthened. And I also know that I can have true empathy for other women who may go trough this later on. Hopefully my empathy for them can bring them some comfort. I know I'm being refined and it's hard, but I still have a lot to be grateful for. I know that many other people are being refined by trials that are of a much greater intensity than this one. And I'm definitely aware that I have more blessings in my life than I even feel worthy of.

This is  NOT meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post- just one where I am trying to sort out my feelings that even I hardly understand.  When it all comes down to it, this has been rough and I wish it didn't happen. But the bottom line, the very very bottom, is that I have these two. Thank goodness for that!

The City of Beautiful

So jeff was doing summer sales. And  he killed it at first and sold a lot. But the last three weeks he hardly sold anything, was gone ALL DAY, and was miserable. Somewhere along the way we stopped ourselves and asked "WHAT ARE WE DOING?" Making ourselves miserable , never being together, AND hardly making any money just wasn't cutting it anymore- especially since we didn't really NEED the money. Add a miscarriage into the mix and that was the last straw. So we decided to stop (he already made MUCH more money than he would've in any other job working the whole summer) and spend time together and have fun for the rest of the summer.

First thing on our list was Nauvoo, Illionois- a church history town. Nauvoo means "city of beautiful" in Hebrew and even though I don't have a fancy expensive camera, hopefully you'll be able to see why after looking at these pictures! If I could describe nauvoo, and the surrounding area, in one word it would be: quaint. When I told that to jeff , my sister, who tagged along, asked "what does quaint mean?" I replied by saying " look around you. What you see is the definition of quaint" it was so cozy and humble and 'hey how are you, why don't you stay awhile?'. I was squealing over the small wooden houses with beautiful gardens and green green grass. It was just a wonderful place to be!

scovill bakery. 

he was THRILLED to take this picture ^^

^^ he loved this place. for obvious reasons

^^ my husband loves wearing screaming' neon. he is glowing in broad daylight, just as he prefers. 

^^ planking. (pooping)

I was bracing myself for a very hot a humid experience, expecting to be drenched in my own sweat  by the end of the day- but the weather was perfect. We got to see everything we wanted to see in two days.

I was kinda a grumpy gills for some of the trip. #realtalk but UGH I do not want to be one of those moms who ruins the vacations for their kids because they are an uptight grumpy bum! I turned my attitude around and had a much better time. (Surprise!) not trying to make excuses but I think some lingering miscarriage hormones are still making themselves cozy. Also the aftermath of emotions can sometimes cause a bit of inner turmoil. Jeff has been very patient with me.

Overall though it was a great trip! Truly! The temple there was breathtaking. And we had a constant view of the Mississippi River. We loved exploring and learning about the early saints. For the most part, jane was great. I mean, it may not be the most baby friendly vacation but we made it work and I think she enjoyed herself.

^^ those skies were unreal!

 checkin out the mississippi river!

and NO. my 13 month old is nowhere near walking yet...

We got to play some pioneer games and activities. It came more naturally for some of us...but others, not so much.

One more thing though. If you go on vacation mostly for the food, nauvoo is not the place. There were about 2 restaurants within a 100 mile radius. 3 if you count mcdonalds, which I don't. (But jeff does- French fries for dinner!) I hardly had any REAL food the whole time I was there and I think that was something that made me a bit grumpy at times. And by the end I felt like a sick busted can of biscuits. The picture below is a picture jeff and I took together which is quite unflattering. We both looked at it and said "FAT CAMP"

Luckily, on the last day, right before heading home, we found  the cutest little farmers market (claps for real food) and ate THE best peaches I've ever had. Like I can't even talk enough about these peaches, they were absolutely heaven sent. jane obviously agreed., and may that onesie forever be stained with perfect peach juice.

ALSO, this was IN our hotel on the last night. Boom baby.

An Un-Announcement

I had a draft of a blog that I had written for after I announced the pregnancy. It was just mushy mom stuff. Like how I can't wait to hold my new baby and watch him/her stretch it's tiny arms and legs out every time I pick them up. But instead of that post, this.

the little announcement that happened on this blog a mere few days ago was excruciatingly bad timing. If I would have waited four days more, I wouldn't be here UN-announcing my pregnancy.

I had a miscarriage. And it was traumatic and horrible.

So now if y'all are wondering why my tummy isn't getting bigger in the coming months, you now know why.

What a random time for me to announce I'm pregnant, 9 weeks?! Who does that. I've learned my lesson though and will be a little more hesitant to tell the world of what will  hopefully one day be wonderful news again. Wonderful news that sticks and doesn't need to be taken back.

It tricky scary crazy business, the whole miscarriage thing. I would recommend it to  nobody. But I'm so very grateful for the hope that so fervently remains in my heart, as well as my  baby jane who can make me happy in the midst of great loss.

We will be ok.
"The Lord giveth, and The Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of The Lord"