Yay for them but....TEARS for me! Not of jealousy. Just tears of yearning- for something I thought i had, or was going to have, but was taken away in a quite gruesome manner. A miscarriage is weird. I thought I'd be grievously sad for a couple days and then go on with life. And in a way I have. But in other deeper ways, it's something that will affect me for a long time. I feel like a part of my identity was stripped away because the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was a momma of two. But in a day, that changed. I don't dwell on it or mope around all day about it, but there is a wound in my heart that will probably outstay it's welcome. I mean, it sounds weird- especially since the baby was the size of a raisin and hardly resembled a human.
I can't explain it but I know a lot of women understand because they have also been through it. Which is sad, but true nonetheless. However, the fact that so many women go through this doesn't make it any easier. You would think the fact that I KNOW I will have many more children would be the only bandage I need for me to pick myself up off the ground, rub some dirt on it, and move on. And that knowledge certainly does help, but for some reason, it's not enough to erase the pain of not having THIS baby. The one I felt connected to already. Whose little heart I saw beating, and who I had already thought of names for. And who was supposed to join our family on February 9th. That won't be a fun day....
I do know that my faith in God's timing has been strengthened. And I also know that I can have true empathy for other women who may go trough this later on. Hopefully my empathy for them can bring them some comfort. I know I'm being refined and it's hard, but I still have a lot to be grateful for. I know that many other people are being refined by trials that are of a much greater intensity than this one. And I'm definitely aware that I have more blessings in my life than I even feel worthy of.
This is NOT meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post- just one where I am trying to sort out my feelings that even I hardly understand. When it all comes down to it, this has been rough and I wish it didn't happen. But the bottom line, the very very bottom, is that I have these two. Thank goodness for that!