i really wanted to document my feelings leading up to the day i found out i was pregnant as well as the feelings that i felt after i found out. if my baby is sentimental at all like me, they may want to read this one day :)
the whole week i was anxious. well, in reality, my whole life i've been anxious. i wanted to be pregnant more than anything. lets be honest, i've been baby hungry for far too many years. i didn't care if everyone thought i was naive and crazy for wanting that. what i cared about was the feeling WE both had that there was a sweet little spirit waiting to come and be our child, and we wanted to meet that child as soon as possible.
i kept reminding myself that it was seemingly impossible for ME to be pregnant. just because it seemed way too surreal. but the days kept going by and my little monthly present was not showing up. i researched pregnancy symptoms multiple times that week, and it seemed like i was feeling a majority of them. I was worried i was being one of those crazy I'm convincing myself I'm pregnant ladies or that it was just a coincidence. I didn't even tell jeff i was experiencing symptoms because i didn't want to get his hopes up or make him think i was crazy when we found out that i wasn't pregnant.
2 days before i kept having this feeling that there was a baby inside of me. that our greatest creation was forming inside of me. whenever that thought would come into my mind, i would immediately tear up. but then i would shake it off and remind myself that it most likely wasn't true. mostly to protect myself from extreme disappointment. i know, so melodramatic right?
well, the day came. jeff was at rotc for 3 hours on a saturday morning. i went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. i was all by myself. i came home, drank 981823 liters of water to ensure everything went smoothly, took the test, and squeezed my eyes shut. those few black moments were full of emotion. if it was negative, i would be sad, my life would probably feel meaningless for awhile. at the same time, i was fully prepared to see a negative sign on that little test. i waited 3 minutes with my eyes closed in a hopeful desperation. i opened my eyes to see a POSITIVE sign. i was breathless. my life was changed. my life suddenly had more meaning than ever before. i was now responsible for a life. and not just any life- the life of MY flesh and blood. the most precious life that, in our minds, has ever existed up until this point. we were going to be parents. a positive sign on a blue and white stick transformed my greatest dream into a reality. that little sign represents the rest of my life; the main reason i now and will forever exist.
the feeling was overwhelming. i hyperventilated a bit and then started crying. the happiest tears ever shed. a perfect mixture of joy, fear, inadequacy, and peace. this was right. this is what Heavenly Father has employed me to do at the highest priority. i will never forget the feeling of finding out i was pregnant with my first baby. truly, in my biased opinion, it was the world's greatest discovery, the world's greatest miracle. i realize there are some women who, regardless of their desperate desire, are unable to have this sort of discovery, and my heart hurts for them. it makes me even more grateful that i am privileged enough to experience this without any difficulty.
i'm going to be a mommy. i will be blessed enough to experience that exultant love that is indescribable to anyone who has yet to experience parenthood. i'm going to be the one who people hand the baby over to when he/she starts crying. i'm going to have days that are hard, excruciatingly overwhelming, and much harder than i ever imagined that end with my little one coming up and saying "mommy i love you". and then those 4 words make it so easy and so worth it to do it a trillion times over again. sweat, tears, and exhaustion laced with the most inexpressible joy- the kind that only accompanies raising children with your loving and supportive spouse. i'm going to do exactly what i've always wanted to do. even better, i'm going to do it with the love of my life by my side. and i could not be more thrilled.