Wednesday, November 14, 2012

repressed emotions coming at ya.

as some of you may know from this rant a little bit ago,
my brother is going on a mission.
scratch that. my brother is ON a mission.
as of today.
i remember a year ago whenever id think of him leaving i would bawl.
but ever since he got his call, I've tried to focus on being happy for him.
and push away the emotions that were bubbling up inside of me.
trying to let my joy for him be the glue that stopped my heart from falling into pieces.
he really is my life long best friend.
he is the only person who knows exactly what i've gone through in my life.
i know most people say that about their siblings,
but this is the real deal sibling best friends forever kind of thing.
so this- the whole him leaving for two years?
it is a big, fat, monumental, permanent-punch-in-the gut deal to me.
i went to lunch with him today. right before he was dropped off at the mtc.
of course, i pretended it wasn't really happening and kept my emotions in check.
went home, took a nap. then i saw pictures of him my grandparents took when they dropped him off.
my repressed emotions and my mind were starting to meet up and make sense of the situation.
i saw the last picture that was taken of him, walking into the mtc.
words can't describe how that made me feel, i wish they could.
i decided to say a prayer for him.
and boom. it hit me.
mental break down at its finest.
this sounds silly, but this will be one of the hardest trials ever for me.
i don't know how so many siblings and parents can handle this.
because i don't know if i can.
i do have faith that he is going out to do the most important work there is,
and that is definitely a consolation.
but I'm still feeling torn up- like a part of me is gone-
and not going to be here when i have my first child might i add.
i promise you I'm not intentionally making this the most dramatic blog post known to man.
i'm married. all grown up...
i should have a grip on these types of things.
thats just how i roll. and how i feel.


but it hurts so good.
i'm way more proud of him than i can say.
and happy that he wants to sacrifice two years to serve God's children.

pray for my brother please. i know everyone and their dog is going on missions nowadays.
and that is overwhelmingly wonderful.
i pray for all the missionaries, and am so grateful for all of them.
they are all amazing.
but only one of them is my baby brother, and my best friend.

{im gonna go ahead and blame being pregnant on me looking like death.}

love you brother. see you in two.


  1. That is incredibly hard. May your brother travel safely.

  2. Aww so lovely . I got my eyes a bit wet :') I can feel what a sister feels but not like you do . Wishes for you two :) Sibling friendship is too important for em as I have a twin sister :)

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  4. You're such a good sister. I'm sure he will love all of your letters. :)

  5. Yay for missions! It is a long two years but I think that is the time of my life that I became the closest with my brother. i really enjoyed writing him... but it was really long. I am sorry. Hopefully it will go by fast with the baby :)

  6. I am envious of the love and bond you have for your brother! My siblings and I are all so spaced out, and we have never been that close. Now as we get older we are getting closer, but I love to see how close siblings can be! Good luck with this time. =] Whenever you miss him just write him a letter!

  7. This is precious. Missions are seriously so hard. For the people they are leaving behind. They show so much strength and faith that it is really heart-warming. Prayers headed your way!

  8. what an amazing story! that is so special that you have such a close relationship and I will be thinking about your family!

  9. This brings back the feelings I had when we dropped Jared off at the MTC. Driving away was so hard, pulling up was so hard, hugging him one last really long, really good and hard hug in front of the temple was so hard, eating lunch before we dropped him off was so hard, having him hand me his phone was so hard, waking up that morning in the hotel in Provo and putting his bags into the car was so hard. It just crunches your stomach up so tight, and you know if you purposely uncrunch it, all the feelings smashed in there will be available to feel. So, you have to uncrunch it a little at a time. I don't think that Kevin and I said one word to each other the whole way home (9 hours). We were in our own "jared" worlds. It's been 17 months. Sometimes I sleep in his bed.

  10. It is so hard dropping of your brother at the MTC. I remember that day so well! It made Christmas and Mothers day really exciting though! Plus it is really neat to see their excitement as they grow and progress more on their mission. And you don't look like death, you look way cute!

  11. Aww. Such a sweet post about your brother. I remember crying and crying when we dropped my brother off. I was pregnant too! The time will fly by. I know it's hard, but you are going to have so much fun sending him letters and fun care packages! What an amazing family you have!

  12. IT's so sweet that you love him so and he is oh so lucky to have you.

    Aloha "hopping" by a little late to say "hi". I wanted to personally invite you to to join An Aloha Affair. It's a sweet gathering of creative souls. We'll mingle and grow and share our work so that we can get to know each other in meaningful ways. I'd love it if you'd join us, 'save ya a spot?...


  13. Your brothers off for a wonderful reason, but just because your grown up and married doesn't mean you shouldn't feel strong emotions. Just wait til your baby is born!!!

    Thanks for sharing with my NO RULES Weekend Blog Party :)


  14. Why does grandpa look so much taller than Brendon? When we were there, they measured the same height as each other!

    1. i don't know, brendon looks like a total shrimp in all of these. i can say this because i know he will never see it. maybe the floor was slanted? what the heck!

  15. Prayers for your brother.

    New follower from Weekend Blog Walk.

  16. We all have such different trials in life, but they are still trials for us...and they hurt like crazy!

    I hope people like you with close siblings let me live vicariously through you- the only letters my siblings sent me were from rehab or jail.



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