repressed emotions coming at ya.

as some of you may know from this rant a little bit ago,
my brother is going on a mission.
scratch that. my brother is ON a mission.
as of today.
i remember a year ago whenever id think of him leaving i would bawl.
but ever since he got his call, I've tried to focus on being happy for him.
and push away the emotions that were bubbling up inside of me.
trying to let my joy for him be the glue that stopped my heart from falling into pieces.
he really is my life long best friend.
he is the only person who knows exactly what i've gone through in my life.
i know most people say that about their siblings,
but this is the real deal sibling best friends forever kind of thing.
so this- the whole him leaving for two years?
it is a big, fat, monumental, permanent-punch-in-the gut deal to me.
i went to lunch with him today. right before he was dropped off at the mtc.
of course, i pretended it wasn't really happening and kept my emotions in check.
went home, took a nap. then i saw pictures of him my grandparents took when they dropped him off.
my repressed emotions and my mind were starting to meet up and make sense of the situation.
i saw the last picture that was taken of him, walking into the mtc.
words can't describe how that made me feel, i wish they could.
i decided to say a prayer for him.
and boom. it hit me.
mental break down at its finest.
this sounds silly, but this will be one of the hardest trials ever for me.
i don't know how so many siblings and parents can handle this.
because i don't know if i can.
i do have faith that he is going out to do the most important work there is,
and that is definitely a consolation.
but I'm still feeling torn up- like a part of me is gone-
and not going to be here when i have my first child might i add.
i promise you I'm not intentionally making this the most dramatic blog post known to man.
i'm married. all grown up...
i should have a grip on these types of things.
thats just how i roll. and how i feel.

THIS HURTS.

but it hurts so good.
i'm way more proud of him than i can say.
and happy that he wants to sacrifice two years to serve God's children.

pray for my brother please. i know everyone and their dog is going on missions nowadays.
and that is overwhelmingly wonderful.
i pray for all the missionaries, and am so grateful for all of them.
they are all amazing.
but only one of them is my baby brother, and my best friend.

{im gonna go ahead and blame being pregnant on me looking like death.}

love you brother. see you in two.