Dear 16 year old self, you are moronic.

I know many people say they don't have regrets in life, but I am not one of those people. I've been thinking about this a lot more recently as I raise my daughter. I hope to raise her to have confidence in herself physically, mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually. I have not always been that way. I am an emotional person, particularly with relationships and people. I've always struggled with the thought of losing relationships, and I'm often willing to do anything to keep them. Oh man, it's good to care about your relationships but it is NOT ok to do it the way I did.

There was a guy in high school who I had a big fat crush on and then he seemingly returned the sentiment. We were best friends. With benefits? I will never be able to explain that relationship to anyone, but all I know was that I allowed it to rob me of 3 years of happiness. Off and on like a darn light switch. That human that I simply could not let go of regardless of the horrific things he did to me and how horribly he made me feel.  I let my fragile emotions be manipulated like a rag doll and I relied on his actions for my own validation. Pathetic! I look back and all I feel is utter humiliation. I cannot believe my self esteem was so low that I was willing to let someone treat me that way and affect my happiness in such a big way.

I hope my daughter can learn to value herself enough to realize that she deserves to be treated royally.   I hope to teach her that forgiveness is always important, but that forgiveness doesn't mean you let someone back in, just to destroy you all over again. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two very different things.

Someone upstairs was looking out for me and my foolish emotions, and sent me my wonderful husband just in time. Of course I fell for him hard and fast and he has always treated me the way I deserve. I'm thankful everyday I ended up with him. But still, I've learned to not let my happiness be based on relationships.

 You cannot let your happiness depend on someone else, it has to come from within. You have to be secure enough in yourself to let people go who need to be let go and to shake it off (like taylor swift) when people try to tear you down. I've learned that for me to be independently happy, I need to live and internalize the guidelines given to me by God. Read my scriptures, say my prayers, treat my body right, serve others, etc. In return, I receive my security and deep confidence from God, He always reminds me that my worth is constant, and no other person can change that.

Please little Jane, learn from your mommy's mistakes. Be proud of who you are!


(also, i wrote this post NEVER intending to post it in a million years and somehow my subconscious mind clicked publish and there is no going back I suppose....)